Learning to Breathe
by liketolaugh
Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.
1. One Alter Relative

**A/N: ...I saw a post. On Tumblr. I just shouldn't be allowed there anymore. *falls backward on the ground***

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

Neah huffed in frustration, letting the Ark door slam shut and disappear behind him as he boarded the Ark. Without a single glance back, he started forward, heading for one door in particular, the location of which he knew by heart by now.

He couldn't believe his brother. He loved Mana, really, he did, but his twin was just too much sometimes. He was so absurdly irresponsible; he knew introducing him to Cross was a mistake.

Cross had brought Mana home the night before, laughing, and with Mana drunker than Neah had ever seen him, which was saying something. It had upset Neah; worse, it had upset _Katerina,_ which was instantly a capital offense in Neah's book. And in Mana's, too, usually.

Cross was lucky he'd made a quick getaway.

Neah gritted his teeth, swallowing against a lump in his throat. Mana was a caring person at heart, but he'd been very carefree lately, and while once, Neah would have been happy to see this, Mana took it too far.

When he was angry, or upset, Neah liked to retreat to the Ark. He knew that this wasn't its real purpose - it was a great responsibility, and using it selfishly was very hypocritical of him - but it was one of the few places he knew he wouldn't be found, not if he didn't want to be.

His father, Adam, had put him in charge of the Ark when he turned eighteen years old; he and his brother were now twenty-four. Their father, busy with his work with the Noah, was often away; Katerina, whom they still lived with, was, by contrast, always home.

Neah hadn't settled on a job yet, still exploring, but he earned money (which they admittedly didn't need) by playing for people in town. Mana, on the other hand, liked to do _clown tricks._

Mana was a very frustrating person.

Neah took a deep breath and finally chose a door and pushed it open, bringing him into the room that not even Mana knew about - _his_ room, with a wall of mirrors and a piano, among other things.

He sat down at the piano, closed his eyes, and started to play, letting his frustration and his worry flow out of his fingers and into the music.

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?" Krory pushed, almost fretting. Allen cast him a weary smile.

"I'm fine," he promised. "I just want to be alone for a bit."

Krory was still hesitating visibly, but eventually, he nodded reluctantly. "Okay, Allen. Just… remember we're all here for you. Please?"

Allen's smile softened. "I remember. Thanks, Krory. I might be away for a while, but I'll be back - I promise."

Krory smiled back, looking only a little reassured, and Allen turned and entered the Ark, starting to search out a particular room.

It had been three months since the end of the Holy War, and Allen could still hardly believe it was over. It was, in many ways, a relief, but in others… They'd lost so many people.

He could never regret that it was over, but sometimes he wondered if he could have done better. Maybe then they wouldn't have lost Kanda. Or Lenalee. Or Miranda.

The tears that never seemed to finish falling pricked at his eyes, and he brushed them aside roughly. No. He'd promised them that he'd keep going, no matter what.

It was harder than he liked to admit.

It was worse, sometimes, because in the process of defeating Neah, he'd become… familiar with the Noah. Who were evil and insane and sadistic, but who also could have, if they had had their wits about them, maybe been better people.

It was a thought that itself hurt, and Allen tried to think about it as little as possible. It was no use wondering anyway. It wouldn't bring anyone back.

He knew he was upsetting his friends, those that were still alive, and he didn't mean to. Sometimes, though, it just became too much, and he felt the need to be alone for a while. It was better to be the only person in the room than to feel like it in a room full of friends. Sometimes, he just needed to… to get away.

Timcanpy, nestled in his hair, was silent and still, and Allen chuckled ruefully.

"Some clown I am, huh, Tim?" he asked quietly, pushing the door to the Fourteenth's room open. "I can't even act happy when we've gotten everything we've ever wanted."

Tim shifted, and Allen imagined that he was looking down at Allen with that worried look he got sometimes, though how he managed it, Allen had never bothered to wonder.

One thing that hadn't left Allen when the Fourteenth had was the memory of how to play the piano, or, for that matter, of the Melody. He started to play that now, with no goal in particular, wishing the Ark could turn back time and make things better.

Five minutes later, a door opened.

Allen's head jerked up, and he blinked at it, startled. Timcanpy left his hair and fluttered toward it, tail waving, and then flitted around to look at Allen expectantly.

Lifting his hands off the piano, Allen asked uncertainly, "You… want me to go through?"

Tim bobbed furiously in midair.

Allen sighed and gave the golem a wry look, standing up. "Alright, Tim," he agreed, smiling. "I'll go, but only for a few minutes, okay?"

Tim seemed satisfied with this, and returned to his perch on Allen's head with an air of what Allen would almost call smugness. Allen rolled his eyes fondly and opened the door.

The room on the other side was almost empty. There was a painting on the wall, similar to the one Allen's room in the first Order headquarters had sported, and another door, closed and, when Allen checked it, locked.

Allen frowned. "There's nothing here," he told Tim, mildly exasperated with his mute companion. "Why did you want me to come in?"

It was a rhetorical question, and Timcanpy didn't answer, but he did bite Allen when he tried to leave. So it was with an exasperated sigh and another wry smile that Allen leaned against the wall beside the door he'd come through, crossing his arms.

"Alright, Tim. I'll stay here for a bit." His gaze wandered. Almost too soft for even Tim to catch, he added, "It's quiet here, at least."

Tim stayed silent, burrowing into his jacket collar, and for a while, both of them stayed like that. Allen wasn't waiting for long, though, because just a minute or so after he entered, someone came in through the locked door.

It was with almost identical looks of surprise that the two met each others' gazes.

"What are you doing here?" the other asked. At the same time, Allen asked warily,

"Fourteenth?"

Despite gaining a better understanding of the Noah's character than he ever would have imagined when he first started to fight him, Allen had never developed the habit of addressing Neah by his given name, and he had also never lost the sense of dread that accompanied his appearance.

Neah looked, if possible, even more surprised at that, and interested as well, now. "Yes, that's me, but call me Neah, please. Are you one of the Noah?"

Allen shook his head slowly, frowning.

Neah, he realized, looked actually… A little _older_ than Allen could remember seeing him. And… shouldn't he know who Allen was by now?

Something wasn't right.

"I'm Allen," he said, seeing that Neah was looking at him expectantly. He hesitated, trying to figure out what to ask and then how to phrase the question, and, finally, asked, "Do you… remember me at all?"

Neah stood up straight, startled, and then studied him for a long moment, a deep furrow in his brow. "You look a bit like a friend of mine," he said at last. "But no. I'd definitely remember if I saw you." He grinned a little, and then it faded, replaced with slightly worried curiosity. "How did you get here?"

"Through the Ark," Allen answered. He'd relaxed a little on realizing that this Neah was not the Neah he knew, and didn't seem to bear him any ill will. He nodded at the door he'd come through.

Neah frowned. "But _I_ came through the Ark."

Allen hesitated again, rolling that over in his mind. Neah didn't know him… and he'd come through a different Ark… He'd surely noticed the Innocence on Allen's left hand, but he hadn't said anything, and...

They never had worked out exactly what the Ark was capable of.

Well, he had the Ark's previous master right in front of him.

"Neah…" Allen paused, and Neah frowned at him, interrupted in the middle of trying to work things out himself. "Can the Ark cross… dimensions?"

Neah looked at him with a frown of his own, leaning against the opposite wall. "Well, I don't see why not," he said slowly. "Why…" Realization cleared his eyes. "I should know you."

Allen smiled. Not the warmest smile he'd ever managed, but it was more than he'd expected to manage, with how much his stomach was suddenly churning. "How's your brother?"

"Mana?" Neah straightened up. "You know Mana?"

Allen considered. Then he stopped considering and threw himself into the vortex without looking back. "He's my father." Even after all he learned over the course of the war, he still knew that much.

Neah stopped. His eyes widened, and Allen braced himself, flinching away so slightly that Neah probably didn't notice, but Tim, hiding in his collar, did; Allen could feel the little golem nuzzling him encouragingly in response.

Then a broad, almost excited grin came over Neah's face, which was the _last_ thing Allen had expected. He darted across the room to look at Allen more closely, and Allen jerked back reflexively; as close to the wall as he was already, Neah didn't notice.

"Mana's son?" he repeated, interest in every syllable of his words. "Really?"

Allen nodded cautiously.

"So that makes you my nephew!" Neah beamed, apparently ignoring Allen's wariness. He laughed. "Well, the circumstances might be a little odd, but it's very nice to meet you, Allen!"

He held out a hand, and cautiously, Allen took it.

Timcanpy chose that moment to wriggle back out of his hiding place, popping up to greet this version of his old master. Neah's eyes lit up.

"And that's Timcanpy!" he said happily. Timcanpy's tail waved in greeting; the little golden ball seemed very pleased to see his two masters in separate bodies again. "You've been looking after him, right?" He looked back at Allen, smile still just as broad. "And I must have given him to you - and the Ark as well, if you used it to get here."

"You didn't somehow miss the part where we come from alternate universes, did you?" Allen wondered, but in the face of Neah's enthusiasm, it was much easier to smile than usual. "I'm not even the son of _your_ Mana."

Neah waved his hand dismissively. "Irrelevant! You're Mana's son, and that's more than good enough for me." He smiled at Allen gently, cheeks still flushed with delight. "I don't know what let us meet, Allen, but I'm glad it did. How old are you?"

"Eighteen," Allen replied, silver eyes a little bemused. And he could see Timcanpy laughing at him, which he resented. Timcanpy was supposed to be on his side, dammit.

Neah 'hm'ed. "Mana and I are only twenty-four, though. So you must be from the future as well!" He nodded decisively. "That's it. You have to come over."

"...What?" Allen had been feeling a little lost through this entire conversation, but now he wasn't entirely sure Road hadn't come back from the dead and abducted him. This was exactly the kind of mind fuck she liked.

"You have to meet them," Neah persisted, looking increasingly pleased with the idea. "Come on! Wouldn't it be interesting to meet your grandmother and your father when they were younger?"

Allen could practically feel his heartbeat stutter in his chest, and he let his head tilt slightly to one side. "My… grandmother?" he echoed.

Neah's eyes widened. "You've never met Mom? You _definitely_ have to come!" At Allen's still-hesitant look, he added, "Please?"

Allen's brow creased. "I… don't know if I'll be welcome," he said quietly, wishing he wasn't already against the wall so he could back up some more. He glanced down at his left hand - Innocence would hardly be welcomed into a house full of Noah.

Sure enough, Neah glanced down and followed his gaze, processing what he was seeing in a moment. Distaste filled his eyes and Allen braced himself, but then Neah shook his head and said determinedly, "Well, it's not ideal, but if Mana didn't mind then neither do I."

Allen was startled, but far from fully reassured. Hoping it would discourage Neah, he pushed, "I'm adopted. I didn't even meet Mana until I was seven."

"Doesn't matter!" Neah insisted, frowning at him. "Why are you so insistent on not coming?"

"Why are you so insistent that I _do?"_ Allen countered, not entirely sure why himself.

Neah blinked at him uncomprehendingly. "Because. You're _family,"_ he said plainly.

...Family?

Unexpected warmth spread across Allen's chest, similar to the time Johnny swore to stay with him because they were 'friends', even as he argued, "You don't even know me."

"But I want to." Neah looked earnest, more earnest than Allen had imagined he possibly could; this Neah was very different from the Neah Allen knew. "And I'm sure Mother would as well. And Mana, of course."

Allen still hesitated. "I don't know…"

"Please?" Neah leaned back a little, clasping Allen's shoulders in his hands, and gave him the most pleading look Allen had ever seen. At the same time, Timcanpy tugged on Allen's hair, toward Neah.

Allen glanced up. "You think I should go, Tim?"

Timcanpy growled in agreement and fluttered over to hover expectantly by Neah's door.

Neah positively beamed. "See? Tim agrees with me!"

"Well…" Allen hesitated.

But… but he had wanted to get away. Just for a while. And it was really, really tempting, to be given the opportunity to meet the family he'd never known, to be able to see Mana, even a Mana who'd never known him, again…

"...Okay."

* * *

 **Alright, guys! *bright smile* So chapters for this story ought to range from about two to four thousand words, but that's not certain right now. Now, this first post might be, yes, on Thursday, but this story will update alternate Tuesdays. (Because I'm drowning in my own stories. *scowl*) This first chapter is a (late) birthday present for a friend, StabbedbyaSonata. Next update will be next Tuesday (so this and For the Sake of Science fall on different weeks) and then we'll go from there. *smile* Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	2. Two and Three

**A/N: Hey, guys! *bright smile* I'm back, and I have to say, I am _thrilled_ with the response this got. You guys are great!**

 **Thank you to StabbedbyaSonata, Kittenanimegirl13, Candy Crackpot, Hatelikingbatman, InsanityOwl, justafreakinweeb, Ryuakilover, IncredibleIdiosyncrasies, nayukiamnesia, Shadow Spears, giselleavellaneda09, AwesomeSauce, Serina Park, egefriend2, Lena-luvs-cats, Misco, AllenWalker009, TeamPotterorJackson, and 3 guests for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"Excellent!" Neah looked almost flustered at his sudden agreement, but he still grinned and grabbed Allen's hand, more exuberant at twenty-four than Allen had been at seventeen. Or seven. "Let's go!"

"What, now?" Allen was startled yet again.

"Of course!" Neah twisted around to smirk at him. "Why not?"

"Uh…" Timcanpy growled at him impatiently. Allen smiled a little. "O-okay."

Neah smiled at him, a warm one that made Allen's cheeks warm slightly, and then both of them went through Neah's door.

It came out in a room identical to the Fourteenth's room Allen knew, and Neah cast him a slightly worried look. Allen returned with a reassuring, if slightly wan one.

"I knew about it," was all he said, and Neah winked at him before hurrying along.

Though the buildings were all the same as Allen remembered, the doors, at least the ones to the outside, were different. Neah led the way to an elegant door numbered '4' and opened it, then gestured for Allen to go in first. Hesitantly, Allen did so.

Timcanpy landed in Allen's hair as he came out the other side, apparently satisfied with himself. Allen ignored him in favor of looking around, expression a mixture of interest and uncertainty.

They were at the Campbells' mansion, a place Allen had only seen in Neah's memories. He had a funny feeling he'd be seeing a lot of things from Neah's memories; the thought didn't bother him as much as it once would have.

The mansion was right in front of them, the door set just outside, and from here, Allen could see the fields extending on for seemingly forever, though he could just make out a town in the distance. Neah, who'd let go of his hand, pushed his shoulder impatiently.

"Go on!" he insisted.

"I don't know the way," Allen protested, turning around to try and see a little more.

"No?" Neah frowned. "Well, no matter. Come on, then."

Allen followed Neah partway around the wall before they reached the front entrance, a huge set of elegant double doors that Neah pushed open.

The entrance hall was just as absurdly large; after the two Order HQs, it didn't bother Allen as much as it once would have, but for a residence housing one family (though a noble one) it was still stunning.

"Mom's probably in the lounge," Neah was telling Allen, smiling indulgently as the younger male looked around, wide-eyed. "She'll want to meet you right away; I'll be in big trouble if I don't bring you to her first. Mana's probably still asleep, actually, after last night." Briefly, a frown crossed his face, but it was gone before Allen could see it. "Come on, hurry up. Let's not keep her waiting."

Allen smiled, easily keeping up with the Noah as he impatiently dragged the exorcist along, and Timcanpy, evidently enjoying the excitement, took off and fluttered around their heads.

The lounge was a large room with a china cabinet, two couches, and a lot of really fancy decorations. There was also a woman - Allen recognized her, too, from Neah's memories, and while he'd known, logically speaking, that she was his grandmother, he'd never… _really_ thought of her that way.

The woman was sitting contently on the end of one of the couches, mending a shirt, but she looked up as Neah entered, a slightly confused smile appearing on her face. "Hello, Neah. Who's your friend?" Timcanpy darted over to her and she lifted one hand to catch him absently.

"He's not my friend," Neah announced, grinning with a touch of mischief Allen had never seen on the Noah's face before. "He's my _nephew."_

The woman - Katerina, Allen recalled, giving her a shy, hesitant smile - blinked very fast for a moment. "I'm sorry?" She put the shirt and needle aside, starting to stand, and Timcanpy fluttered away indignantly to disappear out of sight.

"The Ark did something," Neah explained, grinning broadly at his mother's reaction. "Crossed time and space - I _told_ you it was powerful enough. Allen here is from the future in a different universe, he's Mana's son."

Katerina looked rather taken aback, eyes wide and almost alarmed. Neah ignored this, turning his head to smile at Allen and nudge him forward. "Go on, Allen. It's not polite to keep a lady waiting."

Right. Had to keep his manners about him, after all.

Forcibly suppressing his nervousness, Allen stepped forward and offered Katerina a hand and a small smile. "Hello, ma'am. I'm Allen." He chose to leave his last name out of it, since it would cause confusion they didn't need at the moment.

Katerina took his hand, but instead of shaking it, she held it, her eyes searching his with a concern and intensity that made him somewhat uncomfortable. "How old are you, Allen?" she asked after a long moment.

He swallowed, averting his gaze, unable to help the color rising to his cheeks. "Eighteen, ma'am."

"You don't look much like Mana." It wasn't critical, but the intensity in her gaze hadn't faded, nor had she released his hand. Allen wished he'd thought to put his gloves on before he came in - they were in his pocket - but he'd been too stunned for the thought to even occur to him.

"I'm adopted," Allen explained uncomfortably. "He took me in when I was seven."

"How did you meet?" He wished he could read her expression better.

"We worked in the same circus for a while. He was a clown and I did odd jobs."

Neah made an annoyed sound at discovering his brother's future career, but it didn't seem to faze Katerina. She didn't ask another question, but she did continue to stare deep into his eyes for another long moment, so long that even Neah started to look a little worried.

Finally, though, she smiled warmly, released Allen's hand, and, to the boy's surprise, pulled him into a tight, warm hug. Allen stiffened in surprise, but after a few seconds, he hesitantly returned the hug. When she didn't let go, he closed his eyes and let himself melt into it, trying to suppress the tears that burned at his eyes.

When she _did_ let go, a minute or so later, his eyes were dry, but suspiciously bright, and he gave her a shaky smile that she easily returned, taking his hand as she stepped back to where she'd been sitting before.

"Sit down," she urged him, eyes just as bright as his. When both of them were seated on the couch, Neah followed, plopping onto the end of the other, grinning at them and looking pretty pleased with himself. "Tell me about yourself. What do you like to do?"

"Oh, um…" His cheeks colored slightly. "Mana taught me a lot of clown tricks, and I've always enjoyed doing those. I like to play poker… and I like spending time with my friends, of course."

"Do you have many friends?" Katerina inquired, looking genuinely interested, which embarrassed him almost more than the hug.

"Certainly," Allen nodded, smile softening at the thought. "More than I ever thought I would, before I met Mana." Which wasn't saying much, he supposed. Then his thoughts wandered too far and his expression turned somber. "I… lost some of them, recently. I miss them, but I'm learning to cope."

"Oh, dear," Katerina whispered, looking all but crushed even though she'd known him barely five minutes. "I'm so sorry, Allen."

He managed a small smile for her. "No, no, it's okay." It wasn't okay, but it had nothing to do with her. "What about you? What do you like to do?"

"Oh," Katerina, distracted, laughed a little. "Believe me, looking after my boys takes up almost all my time, even now." She gave Neah an affectionate smile, and he returned it with an unashamed grin. "Outside of that, I spend most of my time reading."

"What about you, Neah?" Allen asked the man, who had been quiet for a while now.

Neah shrugged. "I like to play piano - I've been looking into composing music, too." He grinned a little. "I've made a couple pieces that I'm pretty proud of. I've been looking for a job, too - no good sitting around feeling useless, you know?"

"I know," Allen agreed, smiling faintly. Distantly, he wondered how this place seemed so untouched by the Holy War which did not so far appear to exist here. But surely it did. It wouldn't make any sense otherwise. After all, Neah clearly had at least the powers of the Musician, and he'd responded to the name 'Fourteenth'. So there were Noah, and there was Innocence…

Surely, there was a Holy War. Actually, the apparent lack of it was starting to make him a little nervous. Was he missing something?

Katerina opened her mouth, most likely to ask Allen another question - but then the door creaked open and Allen heard a yawn and a stumbling gait behind him. He stilled.

"Ah, good morning, Neah, Mother - oh. Who's this?"

It was younger, and lighter, and somehow more steady, but… But Allen would recognize that voice anywhere. Even if a thousand years passed, he would never forget the sound of that voice.

"Allen?" Katerina asked, concerned.

Allen took a deep breath and turned around.

Yes, that… that was Mana. He was younger, much younger, around the same age as Neah, with long hair up in a messy ponytail, but the same eyes and a similar face shape. He looked dazed with tiredness and his stance was much more casual than Allen was used to, but he was starting to wake up, brow furrowing in confusion and concern.

"Ah… Hello?" Mana ventured, staring back at Allen.

Allen, feeling a little dazed himself, smiled and stood up, crossing the room to Mana. For a second, he felt the impulse to hug the man - to hug his long-lost father - but he pressed it down. The last thing he wanted was to make him uncomfortable, even if just being in his presence again made Allen feel almost like a little lost child again.

"Hello," he returned softly, holding out his hand. "I'm Allen."

Mana took his hand with a shrug and a small, polite smile of his own. "Hello, Allen. I'm Mana, Mana Campbell."

"Pleasure to meet you." Allen drank in Mana's appearance like he was dying of thirst, and his own brow furrowed as he noticed several things - the slight wrinkle of pain in his brow, the slump of his back - and he asked, "Are you okay?"

Mana grinned and waved his hand dismissively. "It's just a little hangover. Worst of it's over by now, don't worry about me." He tilted his head. "Who are you? I don't believe I've seen you before."

Allen's smile faltered slightly, though he'd known that already, and Mana's concerned frown deepened. Neah, sensing trouble, butted in.

"This, Mana," he began, clearly taking as much joy the second time around as the first, "is your son!"

This did not earn the response he had expected.

Mana blinked slowly, and Allen's cheeks turned bright red as he ducked his head, embarrassed by Neah's bold (if technically true) declaration.

"No, he's not," Mana said slowly, clearly concerned for Neah's mental health, and possibly Allen's as well. Which Allen thought privately was almost painfully ironic. "I don't have a son." He glanced at Allen and shook his head with a snort. "Pull the other one, Neah, he doesn't even _look_ like me."

Allen's cheeks flushed with shame, and he reached up to scratch the back of his head nervously. "It's complicated," he said softly, and something in his tone made Mana stop short, still frowning but more thoughtful than concerned now. "I'm from another dimension. Our Arks - mine and the F- Neah's - did something that let us - or just me, technically - cross over." Forestalling the obvious question, he tacked on, "You adopted me when I was seven; that's why I don't look like you." _You didn't give me my genes, but you gave me just about everything else._ It hurt a little that this Mana didn't know that and maybe would never understand it.

It hurt, but he was glad to see Mana again. And he looked so much _healthier_ than Allen could ever remember him being, hangover or no hangover.

It was nice, to know that Mana hadn't always been so unstable.

Mana stared at him. Then he glanced at Neah, who was giving him a hopeful smile, and then to Katerina, expectant. He looked back at Allen and studied him for a long time, so long that Allen had to squash the urge to squirm uncomfortably.

Finally, Mana said, gentle and wry, "Well, I don't think I'm exactly suited to being your father, Allen… but I can be your friend."

Allen took a measured, even breath instead of the sharp one that wanted to accompany the sudden feeling of loss, and he smiled. "Thank you."

 _Don't be disappointed. It's more than he owes you._

"I'd love to be your friend," Allen told Mana, and Mana grinned at him.

 _Just be glad you can see him again._

* * *

 ***wince* Yeah, Mana's being a little bit of a shit. *rueful chuckle* On the other hand, everyone else seems pretty pleased... Also, Timcanpy is a little pain in my ass, and sorry, I'm not a huge fan, so he may not be around much. But, thanks for reading, and please review!**


	3. Quake

**A/N: Wow, okay, so I finished this _literally_ right before I got to posting it - I was up late last night and woke up early to finish this off. *covers face* But, it turned out quite nicely, considering. Thank God I work well under pressure. ...Usually.**

 **Thank you to Kittenanimegirl13, Ryuakilover, Lena-luvs-cats, Dareagon, nayukiamnesia, giselleavellaneda09, Candy Crackpot, InsanityOwl, 3, IncredibleIdiosyncrasies, Neellok, AngelHeartsX, NoToLogins, Emimaa, Serina Park, MsMusicLover, Shadow Spears, and 2 guests for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

With all four of them there now, it was a little more awkward, but Katerina seemed determined to push past it, and Allen was more than willing to work with her.

"How long are you planning to stay, Allen?" Katerina asked earnestly, leaning forward slightly. Allen started.

"Oh! I, um…" He frowned. "I don't know. Not long, I suppose."

Neah made a disappointed noise, and Mana glanced at Neah, considered, and then, almost playfully, made the same noise, which made Neah scowl at him.

"At least the night, I hope?" Katerina pressed, and suddenly she seemed a lot more dangerous, even when her wide eyes and hopeful expression hadn't changed much. Allen leaned away slightly, eying her warily.

"I don't know…" he said uncertainly, doubt nipping at his heels even as his heart tugged slightly, urging him to stay. "I couldn't impose."

"You wouldn't be imposing," Katerina insisted. "Please, stay."

"Give up," Neah told Allen.

Allen laughed a little, half-covering his mouth as if to hide his smile. "Okay, okay. Thank you." Color dusted his cheeks, and Katerina gave a satisfied smile.

"No, thank _you."_

"Don't feel bad," Mana chuckled, misinterpreting Allen's blush. "Mom's very insistent when she wants something."

"Yes, I can see that," Allen smiled, letting his hand drop again. "May I ask, though…" He glanced at his left hand, sitting innocuously on his leg. "Isn't there a particular… problem, with my Innocence?"

"I told you, it's fine," Neah complained, exasperated. "Why are you so set on that?"

Mana apparently hadn't noticed yet, though; his eyes went down to Allen's left hand and widened slightly, filling with worry. Allen swallowed and covered his left hand loosely with his right, hoping that that was more subtle than pulling his gloves on.

Katerina, perhaps more understandably, was surprised and looked concerned as well, but she took a slightly different route. "Why would there be?" she asked, more studious and intent than the innocent question it might have been.

Allen cut his gaze away, flush turning uncomfortable instead of embarrassed. "No reason, I suppose."

That was probably more telling than he would have liked under normal circumstances, but he was too off-balance to come up with anything better at the moment; he knew that he was far from at his best. Mana's gaze finally flicked back up to his face, a small frown on the twin's.

"Innocence may be the only thing that can kill a Noah," Mana said at last, leaning back a little and letting his eyes drift to his brother, headache apparently forgotten in the chaos, "but if Neah trusts you not to use it, then I suppose I will too."

Allen's silver eyes flicked up to Mana, and then to Neah, startled and wary. "Is that… the only problem? With it?" he asked haltingly.

"You're not subtle," Neah told him with a smirk, and Allen smiled apologetically.

"No, I suppose not," he admitted. "But I'd rather not borrow trouble, if you don't mind."

Neah waved his hand dismissively. "Understandable. No, no matter what quarrel Noah and Innocence have where you're from, there's no such thing here. So don't worry."

Allen offered all three of them a bright smile. "That's good," he said honestly, heart racing.

There really _wasn't_ a Holy War here. None at all. There was some tension, for obvious reasons, but no war.

...Was that why nothing had happened? Why Mana and Neah were still both alive and happy and at their childhood home?

"How _did_ we meet?" Mana asked, wary but curious. Allen smiled, but before he could answer, Neah cut in.

"At a _circus."_ While his smile was fond, it was also exasperated, making it clear what Neah thought of Mana's potential life choices. "And while we're at it, dear brother, we have to discuss what is and isn't an acceptable career."

Mana's eyes had lit up at the idea that he would one day work in a circus, and now, he huffed at Neah in clear frustration. "Working at a circus is a perfectly acceptable career path," he said indignantly. Katerina smiled fondly, stifling a giggle.

"It is," Allen agreed, hiding a smile of his own. "It's a perfectly fine job."

"It is _not,"_ Neah said mulishly. And then, "Where am I? What am I doing?"

Allen's smile vanished, and his gaze cut away uncomfortably. Neah frowned.

"Allen?"

"I'm sorry," Allen said quietly, and for the first time perhaps ever, he really was sorry that his Neah was dead. Neah was still frowning in confusion, but Katerina's eyes widened in realization and something awfully close to distress.

"He's dead," Katerina breathed, and the twins' eyes widened too. Allen nodded silently.

Mana looked horrified, and Neah had leaned back, mouth falling open slightly.

"No," Mana whispered painfully. Allen swallowed, mouth dry.

"He died before I was born," he told them, and maybe it was selfish, but now that the offer had been extended, he didn't want to leave. That didn't mean he would stay past his welcome, of course, but… He didn't want to. "I don't know what happened to…" He hesitated over what to call Katerina, but rapidly settled on just that. "Katerina. Mana never told me."

"Oh," Neah breathed. Then he shook his head harshly and tried to refocus, clearly wanting a distraction. "And… Mana? How is Mana?"

That… was not the best distraction Neah could have chosen.

Allen's tongue felt heavy in his mouth, and he so, so very much didn't want to think about this - even after eight years, it was painful. Even knowing about everything Mana hadn't told him, it was painful.

"A carriage accident," Allen said around the lump in his throat, eyes fixed on a particularly interesting crack in the aging wall. "Eight years ago."

That was the safe answer, anyway, and a variation on the truth. The truth was so much worse than that.

That strange conglomeration of Adam, Mana, and Neah, he didn't want to tell these people that they would become that, let alone that Allen would kill it.

His heart dropped as if down a bottomless well, and frustrated tears pricked at his eyes, though he refused to let them fall. _Oh, God, what am I doing here?_

"Eight-" Katerina's voice cracked subtly, a hand coming up to cover her mouth. "Oh, God. Mana-"

Allen looked away while Katerina practically sprang up and hugged first Mana, then Neah, reluctant to let either of them go, as if they would disappear the very moment she did so. And they hugged her back, letting go of dignity for a moment, clearly shaken themselves. And no wonder.

 _What am I doing here?_

Allen took a deep breath while he let the other three settle, forcing himself under control again.

 _Never stop. Always keep walking. You can do this._

Finally, Katerina forced herself to stop as well, sitting down a little heavily, still pale and shaken, eyes gleaming with tears of her own.

"Ei-" Neah took a deep breath as his voice broke, and plowed through, clearly determined to continue on as if the interlude hadn't happened, as if he hadn't learned what he'd learned. "Eight years? But if you're eighteen, and he adopted you when you were seven-"

Mana's startled eyes found Allen's, and Allen's cheeks burned with shame this time. He suddenly felt very foolish, calling himself Mana's family to these people who had known Mana their whole lives.

"Three years," Allen agreed, eyes fixing abruptly on Mana's, searching for something he knew Mana couldn't give. He shifted uncomfortably, grabbing his left wrist with his right hand, and looked at the floor instead. "The best three years of my life, but still only three years."

The unspoken question 'then what gives you the right?' burned in the air, though perhaps that was Allen's imagination. He hoped it was his imagination.

He changed the subject.

"If it helps," he said haltingly, gaze travelling up to Neah again, because flicking inevitably to Mana and then forcibly to Katerina, "whatever happened to Neah… It should have started by now. I don't think it will happen here."

A clear sigh of relief came from all three of them, and Allen smiled uncertainly.

"You sound like you really loved…" Allen could see the moment where Mana tried to say 'me', failed, and then gave up, clearly uncomfortable. "Him. The other me."

Allen gave Mana what he hoped was a comforting smile. "Yes, I did. Very much."

"...Oh."

Mana looked like he almost didn't know what to do with that information, looking deeply unsettled. Allen offered a discomfited smile of his own and offered, trying to lighten up the mood,

"Cross took me as his apprentice after that." There was no question of what 'that' was, but Neah managed to perk up with interest anyway, a playful wince overtaking his face. "As a favor to…" _You._ "Mana." Albeit not the sort of favor they would assume it was.

"Harsh," Neah smirked. He frowned. "Unless Cross changed?"

Allen considered, letting most of the tension slip away in the moment. He heard Katerina take a deep, steadying breath, but let it pass unacknowledged. "Is he a drunken layabout already?"

Neah burst out laughing, and Allen managed a smirk.

Mana laughed, too, relaxing with a warm smile. "That's Cross, alright."

Katerina tutted, shaking her head. "That man, I swear," she murmured. "How can he not change in…"

"Almost thirty-five years," Allen provided amiably. "I'm not surprised, honestly."

"Neither am I," Katerina admitted, an amused glint in her eyes. "But maybe a little disappointed."

"So you've met Cross," Neah jumped in eagerly. "Have you met Maria? Or Al?"

"Maria?" Ah, Grave of Maria. Best not to mention that. "In a manner of speaking. Who's Al?"

"Al's that friend I mentioned who you look like," Neah explained, smiling at him as if none of the day's revelations had happened save for the one where Allen was his nephew.

"He does look like Al, doesn't he?" Mana mused, giving Allen a small grin. Allen gave him a warm smile back. "Al's full name is Allen too, actually."

...Oh.

Allen didn't let this second heart-drop show on his face, making a show of interest instead. "No, I haven't met him. What's he like?"

"He's a geek," Mana laughed, slapping a hand on his knee and leaning back slightly to grin at the ceiling. Apparently he was also fond of the idea of pretending that he was immortal. His smile softened. "But he's a good friend. He might like to meet you."

"I might like to meet him too," Allen smiled, eyes on Mana, and then glanced away to grinning Neah.

"That can be arranged," Neah said cheerfully. "And Cross, too, if you can stand his face after being his apprentice."

Allen shuddered. Neah cackled, and Katerina giggled softly.

"Oh, look at the time!" Neah continued, voice a little louder and stranger. Mana picked up on that, too, frowning at his brother quizzically. "Mana, let's talk. We haven't talked in a while, and we have things to talk about."

Neah wasn't subtle, either.

Still, the two twin brothers ran off then, leaving Katerina and Allen, the latter slightly more startled than the former. Katerina smiled and shook her head fondly.

"Those boys…" she murmured. She stood up, stretching lightly, and smiled at Allen. "I suppose it is about time for me to make lunch, though. Do you mind?"

The thought of lunch gave Allen mixed feelings; his stomach lurched nervously - meal invitations of any sort were nerve-wracking because of his appetite, and this was hardly an invitation - but he _was_ hungry. (Part of the problem.) He stood up quickly. "I'll help," he offered.

Katerina gave him a startled look, at once surprised and faintly approving. Still, she said, "I couldn't possibly let you do that. You're a guest."

Allen gave her an embarrassed, but firm smile. "I insist."

Katerina shook her head, laughing. "Okay, fine. Thank you."

* * *

 ***smirk* That all could have gone better, but at least it's over now. Heh. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	4. Shatter

**A/N: Hey! *wave* So this one was pretty fun, honestly. Which makes me feel very rude. But I had to do _research_ for it. *huff***

 **Thank you to Kittenanimegirl13, Ryuakilover, giselleavellaneda09, AngelHeartsX, MsMusicLover, nayukiamnesia, Lena-luvs-cats, Serina Park, InsanityOwl, newby6320, Candy Crackpot, and guest for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"Still on your growth spurt?" Katerina teased. Allen blushed, chuckling sheepishly.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, focused on helping to prepare vegetables. "My, um, my Innocence is... parasitic, so it takes a lot of energy and I need more food."

He hadn't mentioned it to her, but this wasn't actually very much, considering what he used to eat. Since he hadn't been using his Innocence much as of late, it wasn't taking as much of his energy, and he hadn't been hungry lately anyway. Actually, he'd been skipping meals; it had been the first thing that made his friends realize something was wrong.

That he was hungry now was probably a result of those skipped meals.

"No, no, we can make as much as you need - I don't mind," Katerina assured him warmly. Allen smiled back bashfully before moving on to cut a waiting loaf of bread instead. While they both worked, Katerina continued, warmth fading somewhat into interest, "What are your friends like?"

Allen faltered almost imperceptibly, but before Katerina could notice, he picked himself up and moved along. "Well… Lavi acts very playful, but knows how to take things seriously, and he's very smart." He smiled softly at the bread. "And he cares, more than, I think, even he realizes sometimes." His movements slowed thoughtfully. "Link is a bit of a worrywart, and quite a rule-follower as well."

He chuckled quietly. Unseen by him, Katerina, too, slowed, looking over her shoulder to gaze at him in concern. Oblivious, he continued.

"Krory used to be naive, but now he's just very protective. He worries, too. And Timothy is always playful…" He trailed off, smile fading; thinking about his friends, all of his friends, made his heart hurt, remembering those who'd fallen with sharp, almost frightening clarity. He shook himself and turned to smile cheerily at Katerina, trying to will his dark thoughts away. "Well, telling you about all of my friends would take all day. What are Mana and Neah like, here?"

Katerina held her concerned gaze for a few moments, but he, in turn, held his smile. Eventually, she turned away again, getting back to work as she considered the question.

"You've met them already, of course," she started, soft at first, but slowly gaining strength. "So you know how easygoing they both are." Katerina smiled. Behind her, Allen did as well, though it was sadder and more wistful. "Mana has the best sense of humor, and Neah is very responsible and protective of his friends. Both of them are very caring…" She stopped to laugh. "Oh, I can't even begin to describe them enough - you'll have me talking all day instead!"

Allen laughed with her, pausing in his work to smile, and she continued,

"But I worry about them as well, sometimes. Mana's been rather… careless, with his health, recently." Allen's brow furrowed in concern, though he didn't stop this time. "And Neah…" She sighed, smile falling. "Well, I say he's responsible, and it's wonderful, really, but I fear he'll stress himself to death, at this rate."

"Sometimes it's best to let people work things out for themselves," Allen commented quietly, and Katerina looked back again to give him a warm smile; when he glanced back, he blushed slightly and smiled back.

"Yes, exactly," Katerina agreed. She moved along to the oven, carrying her dish, and placed it inside. Straightening up, she continued, "I've been raising them mostly on my own - their father isn't around very often. Mana used to be sickly, but he got over that, and both of them spent their days outside - it's almost a shame that they don't play outside much anymore." She smiled fondly.

"It sounds like they have a good life here."

She turned around again to look at Allen; his voice had been soft and strangely sad, and he'd stopped again - they'd never get anything done at this rate. She worried for a moment, and then asked gently,

"What was your life with Mana like?"

For a long moment, Allen didn't speak. Just when she was about to question him, though, he started to move again, still slow.

"I didn't know Mana was a Campbell until years after he died," Allen started, voice soft. "He'd changed his name to Walker - I still use that name, actually, because it means a lot to me." It had, after all, been the name Mana had given him. "We travelled from circus to circus together - it was hard sometimes, but it was fun, too."

He hesitated, and then continued, not looking up again. Katerina didn't speak, and he could hear her continuing to work behind him.

"There was… there was one time, when we were caught in a snowstorm on our way into a new town… It was Christmas, you see, and most places weren't open. So we were a little lost as to what to do until we could find somewhere." He smiled; his chest ached a little at the memory, but nowhere near as much as it once would have. "And then a group of carollers came by, and Mana insisted that we join them, even though neither of us knew any of the songs, really.

"We were with them for hours - I'm surprised that they were so patient with us, considering we were probably throwing everything off." He laughed a little. "Afterward, one of them offered to let us stay with him, so it was probably for the best after all." They had all sung him happy birthday, too, because naturally, Mana had mentioned it. Mana had claimed that he'd never seen Allen turn such a bright red.

"You sound like you enjoyed it," Katerina said softly, and when he looked at her, she was smiling at him. After a moment, he smiled back.

"Yeah… I guess I did. I wouldn't have admitted it then, though." He hesitated, and then continued, voice low, "...I think Mana knew, anyway."

Katerina continued to gaze at him until he was close to squirming in discomfort, and then, finally, she looked away, at which point he added,

"I… haven't ever told anyone that story before." He hesitated again; he couldn't remember having felt this uncertain about talking to someone in… a long time. "Or any story, about Mana."

It was Katerina's turn to hold her silence for an abnormally long time, now. In that time, both of them finished their work and were simply waiting for the dishes to finish cooking. Finally, Katerina said, with both of them facing each other from opposite sides of the not-too-big area,

"Thank you for telling me." Her smile was soft, somehow both sad and happy, in the same way Allen's had been earlier. "I'm glad that you felt comfortable with it, and I hope that someday, you can do it without reservation."

Allen rather doubted it, after everything. But it was a nice thought.

After a while, Katerina broke the silence again.

"Would you like to hear a story about the twins when they were younger?"

Allen perked up slightly with interest, his silver eyes flicking to hers, which were warm and honest. Judging her sincere, he nodded slowly, and she smiled.

"How about I start with the time Neah fell into the river…"

Katerina filled the silence until everything finished cooking, telling story after story, and Allen nodded along, listening attentively so that he didn't have to think of the surreality of the situation, which was just beginning to really set in on him - that he was standing in a kitchen with his long-dead grandmother, soon to step out and talk to his father, his uncle, who were both friendly and kind and sane-

When lunch finished, they set the table in comfortable silence, and it was then that Mana and Neah finally returned. Mana looked rather subdued, and Neah's expression was strained, distress and frustration coloring his eyes, but when Allen met his eyes, he managed a smile for him. After a moment, Allen smiled back.

"We're having lunch, not dinner - I don't think we need this much food, Mum," Mana pointed out, amused, and Allen laughed, slightly embarrassed. He'd forgotten, almost, what it was like around people who hadn't been part of everything.

"That's my fault," he admitted, though this time he didn't expand on why.

Both twins laughed, and all of them sat around the table and started to eat, a surprisingly comfortable feeling saturating the air.

To Allen's frustration, as soon as he took the first bite, any appetite he might have had disappeared, making his stomach churn instead. It wasn't that the food was bad - Katerina was quite a good cook and he'd learned a bit himself over the years - he just simply _wasn't hungry._

He set himself to working through the meal anyway, not letting a hint of his thoughts show on his face. For the first few minutes, there wasn't any conversation, but finally, Mana spoke up, glancing up to give Allen a small smile.

"Allen, you said you worked in a circus. What's it like?" he asked. His tone was a little awkward, and it was hard not to notice the way he conspicuously left his other self out of it, but Allen pretended not to anyway, giving the man a warm smile.

"It's harder than you'd expect if you've never done it before," he told Mana, and even if he still didn't look comfortable, precisely, he at least was listening curiously. "It's not all performances. There's packing and unpacking to do, day-to-day chores, advertising…" He smiled. "But it can be fun, too, of course. Many circus people are very nice." Not Cosimo, though. Cosimo was just an asshole. "It's easier on an adult than a child, of course."

Neah 'hm'ed with interest. "How so?"

Allen's smile turned uncomfortable and he glanced away from the curious Noah, focusing on his plate instead. "Just that adults have more say in their own fates," he explained to his food. "If you're a child in the circus, you're sort of at the mercy of the ringmaster." He laughed and hoped it didn't sound as hollow as it felt. "It was easier after Mana came, since he was in charge of my discipline after that."

There was a short silence and Allen tried not to let his frustration show on his face. He wasn't doing this right. Why couldn't he do this right? Normally he was _excellent_ at interacting with people.

But normally, 'people' didn't mean 'long lost family of formerly dubious intentions'.

After a second that felt like much longer than it probably was, Mana cleared his throat, drawing away the suspicious attentions of both Katerina and Neah. "Mum," he asked, settling his eyes on Katerina. "When's Dad meant to be home?"

Katerina let a distracted smile appear on her face; her eyes, however, lingered on Allen for a few moments longer before turning on Mana. "In a few days, dear. He only has one more stop before he's done."

Mana made a pleased noise, but Allen was distracted. _Dad? Didn't Mana and Neah appear when…?_

"Who is it?" Neah asked curiously.

"Just Raasura," Katerina smiled. "Adam tells me Raasura always has the most trouble settling in."

Allen stilled, then forced himself to take a deep breath, which thankfully went unnoticed. _There is no Holy War. There is no reason to worry about any of the Noah. Raasura, nor any other Noah, is going to hurt anybody._

He hoped.

"Dad - Adam - likes to go around and make sure all of the Noah are adjusting well," Neah explained cheerfully to Allen, who managed a small smile and a nod of acknowledgement. "Actually, there was a new one not too long ago, Road." Allen froze. Oblivious, Neah continued, "She still visits pretty regularly, since she's getting used to all of it." He smiled fondly.

"Neah and I got used to it ages ago, of course," Mana put in with a small grin at his brother. "But then again, we aren't really normal Noah."

Allen took a deep breath and put his fork down, focusing on the conversation. He didn't think he could eat anymore anyway, though he felt made for having made Katerina make more than he'd eat. "No?"

"No," Mana confirmed. "We're pretty much the only Noah made since the original thirteen - I guess it makes sense that only the Millenium Earl can reproduce, huh?" He chuckled.

"Yeah," Allen echoed softly, slightly numb. "And Road?"

"Do you know her?" Neah asked eagerly, leaning forward, food forgotten.

Did he…?

 _She swiped her fingers through the bloody gash that had been the end of Kanda Yuu, bringing them up to her mouth to lick them off with a sly smile-_

 _-Her body slammed into the ground from hundreds of feet in the air, and Lenalee followed, eyes full of angry tears and covered in blood, but she still managed to meet his eyes as she breathed her last breath-_

 _-Her father screamed her name as he tore Lenalee to pieces-_

"Allen?"

Mana's voice, the way nothing else could, drew Allen's mind back to the present, and before he even started to gulp at the air he forced his breathing to even out, and after a moment, managed to look at Mana, whose head was tilted, frowning slightly.

"Did you know her?" Mana repeated.

Allen blinked, swallowed, and then, finally, managed a smile and a nod.

"Yes," he confirmed, mouth dry. "She's rather fond of me, actually. She likes to play."

He felt nauseous. Both twins laughed.

"That sounds like her," Neah chortled, and Allen managed a smile.

Katerina's gaze, though, lingered on him for far too long, suspicious and worried in equal measure, and he avoided her eyes, feeling his heart clench. _I don't belong here, this is wrong, this-_

But he didn't want to leave. He didn't want to face them again, his friends, their too-thoughtful concern, the memories they brought.

Of course, this place brought up its own painful memories. And then some, apparently.

"Is Cross coming over tomorrow?" Allen heard Neah ask Mana.

"Why do I get the feeling that if the answer was no, it would soon turn into yes?" Mana retorted.

Neah laughed. "Well, can you really blame me? Anyway, I'm sure he'd love to meet Allen."

"He's probably too drunk to care!" Mana replied, but he was smiling when Allen glanced at him. "He'll be fascinated, I bet. Dimensional theory fascinates him."

That was right. Cross used to be a scientist, didn't he?

"Him and Al both," Neah chuckled. "Maria will have her work cut out for her."

Maria, one day Grave of Maria, locked up forever inside of a chained coffin-

Allen's throat felt tight, and it was hard to ignore the weight of Katerina's gaze on him.

"Brace yourself, Allen, Al's gonna interrogate you within an inch of your-" Neah turned his head to Allen, grinning, and faltered. "Allen? Are you okay?"

Allen's gaze was focused maybe a little too intently on the table, and he could taste blood from where he'd bitten into his cheek too hard. Still, he smiled, though he couldn't bring himself to look up. He nodded, not trusting his voice.

But it was a lie, because suddenly all he could think about was Neah's grin in the mirror, Mana's confused eyes staring at him from under the Earl's hat, his sword in the belly of the amalgamated Earl, and he thought that he was going to throw up. His fists were clenched too tight under the table; they were shaking. He forced them to loosen.

"I think," Katerina said gently, a thousand miles away, "that maybe the events of the day have finally caught up to Allen."

Neah made a small sound of comprehension. "Oh, I see."

"Allen," Katerina continued, tone dropping into something, if possible, even softer. "Would you like a moment to yourself?"

Allen's eyes darted up to hers, and he found himself abruptly unable to conceal the raw emotion in them. It was probably a feat of inner strength that Katerina's smile never wavered.

He didn't want to- He couldn't go back. He didn't… He…

But Katerina wasn't asking him to. He forced himself to take a deep breath and nodded.

Because he really wasn't sure he could hold himself together for much longer, and he didn't want to fall apart in front of them. This, as it was, was too much already. He didn't want to be this vulnerable in front of them. He didn't want to show them how-

"Mana, could you show Allen to a quiet place?" Katerina asked. "Anywhere will do."

"Of course." Mana sounded the most subdued Allen had heard him so far, but in the next moment, when he appeared by Allen, he tried to sound upbeat again and mostly succeeded. "Come on, Allen, it's not far."

Allen glanced up and managed a smile for him, standing up shakily. He couldn't bring himself to look back, or even up at Mana, so he let his gaze fall to the floor and felt Mana take him by the elbow to lead him on.

"C'mon, stay with me, Allen, not far to go, this way…"

Allen closed his eyes and followed Mana blindly, listening to the sound of his voice and letting it keep him together long enough to reach their destination.

Finally, he heard the creak of a door opening, he was led through, and finally, pushed onto a seat. When he opened his eyes, Mana was standing over him, smiling gently and a little uncomfortably.

"Um…" Mana faltered, but as Allen's gaze stayed on him, trusting and probably unnervingly helpless, he forced himself to steady. "You can stay in here as long as you need to. Mum'll be in the lounge for sure when you're ready to come out, she'll probably want to check on you. And…" He smiled, looking a little helpless himself. "Remember… That you're safe here. Alright? Whatever it is, it's okay."

Allen let his gaze fall again, but he nodded, and he sensed more than saw Mana cross back to the door.

As soon as it closed behind the older male, Allen curled forward, digging his fingers into his hair, and felt tears well up in his eyes, helpless and frustrated and confused and so many other things he didn't have the will to name.

He'd accepted Mana's death a long time ago. When it seemed that Mana had never loved him, he'd accepted that, and when it seemed that Mana had never been honest with him, he'd accepted that too.

But this, seeing Mana again after learning everything the man had never told him, worse, after everything Allen had done to him in return-

It hurt.

It hurt and it was unbelievable and it hurt, but Allen couldn't bring himself to regret coming. He couldn't regret Neah's enthusiasm or Katerina's kindness or Mana's hesitant attempts to reach out, even though he knew he didn't deserve any of it, not after everything, not when none of it had really been his in the first place, even if it _had_ been the family of _his_ Mana.

He was selfish. He was selfish for wanting to be here.

And it hurt, too, to see them so carefree. To hear about Cross, and know that pain would drive him to be a worse drunkard than they could probably even imagine, to know what would befall Maria, to know that 'Al' would not survive to keep his promise.

Then there were the memories brought up, of Road, of his friends, of Neah's attempts to consume him and his own brutal murder of the man he claimed to think of as a father, and it just…

It was overwhelming. Allen was overwhelmed, and it felt like the world was falling down around him.

He let the tears fall.

* * *

 **...Oops? *grin* Sorry. Well, not really. Allen was not coping well with the war, he was not coping well with what he did to Mana, and frankly, there probably _wasn't_ a way to cope well with this. So yeah. Breakdown. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	5. Speed Bumps

**A/N: Hey! *bounce* This chapter went fairly well, I think - I'm kinda proud of it, heh.**

 **Thank you to Ryuakilover, Kittenanimegirl13, Shadow Spears, Kenzie Perth, nayukiamnesia, giselleavellaneda09, Lena-luvs-cats, Dareagon, LovelyPrincess4, MnMsRoK, Viviana, Candy Crackpot, StabbedbyaSonata, InsanityOwl, newby6320, AngelHeartsX, Amelia Loves Anime, Kiri Kaitou Clover, 27aquarrow72, and 2 guests for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"Allen?"

Allen was unprepared for the creaking of the door, or the soft call that followed. He sat up straight, startled, and met Katerina's concerned eyes from across the room. His mouth fell open slightly, and he became abruptly aware of how pathetic he must look - eyes red-rimmed and cheeks plastered with tears, still shaking slightly, if not nearly as bad as… How long had it been?

The memories had stopped coming some time ago, but he still hadn't been in anything like a good enough shape to come back out. He must have taken too long.

"Neah and Mana went out to town," Katerina continued softly, when he didn't answer verbally. "It's been an hour and I was getting worried, so I came to check on you."

An hour? Already?

Allen managed a smile for her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

She just frowned, slipping inside the room and closing the door behind her. His smile fell as well when she crossed the room and sat beside him, giving him a serious look, still colored with worry.

"Allen," she said at last. "What's wrong?"

Allen almost flinched. Almost. "Nothing's wrong."

"Allen." Her voice turned stern, though the volume stayed the same. His gaze slipped to one side. _"What's wrong?"_ He flinched for real this time, and she softened her voice noticeably. "I may not have known you for very long, and the circumstances may be very strange, but I can tell that you're hurting, Allen, and I'm worried."

He felt a lump in his throat, and didn't meet her eyes as he said again, "Sorry."

"Don't be. Just let me help."

Why did she want to help? She barely knew him, and he- He was a mess. He wasn't sure he _could_ be helped; God knows his friends had tried.

"I should leave," he mumbled, voice rougher than he would have liked. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come."

"Allen, please."

Allen looked up sharply, and found Katerina looking at him with unrestrained distress, as worried as if she'd known him his whole life. His chest tightened and he looked away again, at the floor.

He was silent for a long time, hesitantly going over each of his options.

He could lie. Or refuse to tell her. He could insist that she let him leave, and try to forget that any of this ever happened. This last option he discarded instantly; he would never be able to forget this. Never forgive himself for not seeing this through.

He could also tell her, and see how she reacted.

That was by far the most terrifying prospect, but he glanced back up at her, and her sincerely worried eyes, and back down at the floor, and he _wanted_ to. Why did he want to?

"What if…" Allen's sudden willingness to speak made her start, but then she leaned forward a little, visibly anxious. He still didn't look at her. "What if I told you… That, where I'm from, most of the Noah… weren't exactly sane?"

"...I'm not sure I understand," she said, slow and careful. "What do you mean?"

"I mean they weren't sane," Allen replied; he knew it was unhelpful, so he continued, "Maybe Adam was, once. Mana and Neah almost certainly used to be. Maybe all of them were once." He swallowed. "Not when I knew them."

"...What were they like?"

Katerina's voice was cautious, but not disbelieving. Still, Allen couldn't bring himself to look up.

"Hot and cold," he told her, after a moment's thought. "Any of them could swing from cheerful to furious in an instant, and then from furious to gentle, or playful, and then back." He paused, but Katerina seemed to be waiting for him to go on. He hesitated again, and then obeyed. "They were overconfident far past the point of arrogance. They were…" He didn't want to hurt her this way. "Violent."

She inhaled sharply, and he held his breath, fearing her reaction. Involuntarily, he tensed, half expecting her to yell or to hit him, and knowing that it would be completely justified if she did.

Instead, she just sounded distressed when she spoke, which was, in a way, worse. "Violent? Did they… I mean, to you…"

"Have you ever heard of an akuma?"

The question effectively distracted and confused her, and she frowned, expression caught somewhere between distress and said confusion. "A Japanese demon?"

Allen took a deep breath. _Oh, thank God._ "No. Well, yes, but no." Finally, he looked at her, meeting her eyes evenly from a position made much lower by his hunched-up position. "Akuma were, in my world, creations of the Millennium Earl - weapons of massacre made from a corrupted human soul and a machine."

He could see, in her eyes, the exact moment when she understood, when it clicked in her mind, and her expression filled to overflowing, horror mixing with fear and with a form of dread that came when you weren't sure you wanted to know something, but you needed to ask anyway.

"It's so much worse than that," she whispered, "isn't it?"

Allen swallowed. He felt frozen, glued into place. "It was a war."

The silence that followed pressed in around them; it forced itself down Allen's throat and made it hard to breathe, and it seemed to magnify every minute sound, from the whoosh of breath to the brush of cloth against cloth, until they were deafening. Katerina looked crushed, one hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes, and Allen's breath stuttered. He didn't realize the tears had returned to his eyes as well until he felt them rolling down his cheeks.

"You were fighting," she whispered, sounding as forced and breathless as her expression would suggest. "You were fighting… _us."_

Allen nodded, because he couldn't speak, and he couldn't look away.

She took a deep breath, and then another, looking to be suppressing a panic attack of her own, struggling with herself.

...This was Allen's fault. Allen was an idiot. Katerina didn't need to know this, it wasn't important, wasn't even relevant to her, by any stretch of the imagination, it was his problem and his alone, here, and it shouldn't matter. He shouldn't have said anything. He was so stupid.

"What were you trying to do?" Katerina asked at last, and her voice was high-pitched now, desperate. Allen would have flinched at the implied accusation, but there was also something in her expression that indicated that she had some idea of the sort of answer she would get, if she pursued this line of inquiry.

 _Why are you doing it, then? Why are you doing this to yourself?_

Allen's mouth, in sharp contrast to his eyes, was dry; in fact, his tongue felt like sandpaper. "Save the world."

"And what… what were _we_ trying to do?"

 _I'm so sorry._

"Destroy it."

 _I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have broken down, I shouldn't have made you feel like you had to ask these questions-_

"...And who won?" Katerina's breath hitched audibly, a small hiccup that made Allen feel as awful as she must.

The technical answer was that the Black Order had won, but Allen couldn't bring himself to say it - he had never, not once, felt like they had won. If they had won, they wouldn't have lost so many people. If they had won, it wouldn't hurt so much.

She was still looking to him for an answer, though, so he made himself say, "We saved the world."

The words resonated hollowly in the room, and she covered her face, and he could see her crying silently, and he was so stupid. He'd ruined everything. This had been such a happy place.

This always happened. He always did this.

He knew he couldn't help, would probably make things worse instead, so he remained quiet while the tears flowed down her face, knowing a matching set of tear tracks was on his, and doing nothing about it.

For far too long, both of them were silent again. It was Katerina who broke it, voice shaky and strained, drawing Allen's attention instantly.

"What happened?" When he stiffened, she clarified, "Earlier. At lunch."

That wasn't much better, but he forced himself to relax the best he could, and reached up to wipe the tears away. 'It was… a lot of things. Road…" He trailed off. Katerina lifted her head to look at him, a little desperate and a little dismayed.

"You said she liked you."

"She did," Allen confirmed. "But she… I don't know what your Road is like, ma'am-"

"Katerina," she corrected, strained but firm. It should have been comforting, but it just confused him instead. Still, he nodded.

"K-Katerina. The Road I knew had been a Noah for over thirty-five years, and remember, the Noah I knew were insane. The first time I met her, she hugged me first, and then, less than ten minutes later, she stabbed me with a candle." He looked away from her horrified expression to continue, his voice easily as strained as hers now, "But I wasn't thinking of that. I was… Remembering, that…" He swallowed.

"Oh, _God,_ what happened to you?"

...Why did she _still care?_

Tears stung at his eyes and he wished they would stop, he was tired of crying. "She killed Kanda," he said at last, misery and grief twisting his voice. "And Lenalee killed her, and Sheryl killed Lenalee, and Lavi killed Sheryl, and I _couldn't stop thinking about it."_ She didn't say anything and he didn't look up, and suddenly the words were spilling out of his mouth, like water from an unblocked falls. "And Cross sounds so carefree here that it hurts to know that by the time I know him he'll be drinking to forget, and Maria, _fuck,_ Maria-"

He couldn't remember the last time he'd uttered a curse aloud, but he barely noticed.

"And Neah's going to be so _angry,_ I didn't even know he could be this happy, and his death will break Mana so badly that he'll lose his grip on reality, he'll forget where he is and what's happening and how long it's been, I've never seen him so _together_ before, and-"

He was so distracted, swept right back into his despair as if he'd never left, that Katerina caught him completely by surprise when she pulled him into a hug, gentle and desperate and protective.

"I'm sorry," Katerina choked out, awful and teary and broken. "I'm so sorry, Allen."

That was all it took for Allen to dissolve into sobs altogether. This was different from earlier - that had been silent and shaky and empty, lonely and echoing. This wasn't as hollow, or as restrained, or lonely at all. It was loud and messy; Allen felt like a child again.

He cried, and Katerina cried with him. And unlike last time, when he finally stopped, he felt… a little better. Less like he was going to drown, and more like he could get up and walk just a little farther.

Two breakdowns in as many hours. His lips twitched into a weak smile. Must be some kind of record for him.

He listened for a short moment, his own breaths deep and even now, and when he was sure that Katerina had finished as well, he whispered, voice hoarse from crying so much, "Please don't tell them."

Katerina hesitated, and then he twitched as he felt her fingers in his hair, just for a moment, before they left again. "I won't. I'm… not sure they're ready for this."

He nodded silently, and then, regretfully, pushed himself upright again. Katerina let him go, and when he lifted his head to meet her eyes, he found them red-rimmed, like his likely were, but dry, with tear tracks still on her face.

"I didn't mean to make you cry," he rasped, apologetic and ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, don't be," Katerina murmured, shaking her head. "You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you went through that, Allen. It must have been awful."

"Yes, but that's _my_ problem," he replied, color rising to his cheeks.

"But you don't have to bear it alone," she returned, and, unable to think of a reply, he dropped his gaze. She let it go and continued, sounding almost tentative, "You… _will_ stay, won't you?"

Allen's eyes shot back to hers, wide and startled. "You don't want me to leave?" Even after what she'd heard? What he'd told her?

She managed a small smile. "Well, you aren't planning on hurting Neah or Mana or Road, are you?" He shook his head furiously. He didn't think he had the stomach to ever hurt anyone again. "Then I see no problem."

"Thank you," he whispered, and she just smiled at him, a little sad but even more warm.

"You're welcome. Now…" She stood up and brushed herself off, as if dismissing the previous topic of conversation. "Did you eat as much as you needed to? You looked like you were having trouble during lunch."

Allen sighed, but smiled softly and stood up as well. "I should probably finish," he admitted.

"Then let's go," she smiled. As if nothing had occurred.

Allen couldn't bring himself to speak, so instead he nodded.

* * *

 **So I swear I didn't _mean_ to have him break down twice in a row, it just kind of... Happened that way. Oops. *rueful grin* Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	6. Softer Landings

**A/N: Hey! *wave* So I've gone ahead and gotten this story planned out 'til the end of this plot arc - which is to say, like, four or five chapters. *sigh* And then I'll have to do it again. Damn. *consider* Actually, that's a good two or three months, isn't it? *laugh***

 **Thank you to Lena-luvs-cats, Viviana, Kiri Kaitou Clover, giselleavellaneda09, nayukiamnesia, Too Many Obsessions to Choose, Kittenanimegirl13, InsanityOwl, newby6320, Shadow Spears, Amelia Loves Anime, Stuck in my mind, MsMusicLover, and 2 guests for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"-and then _Link_ said that Lavi was being irresponsible," Allen continued, smiling slightly at the memory, "and Lavi just stuck his tongue out at him and hid in the library. Link couldn't find him for the life of him." Allen, from where he stood by the sink, washing dishes - something he'd insisted on - as he spoke, glanced over at her, smiling at the amused light dancing in her eyes. "He'd climbed on top of them."

That was enough to make Katerina burst into giggles, startled.

"Mum!"

The sudden call made them both start, and then, just as the figures of the two twins appeared in the doorway, the two of them turned in unison to face it.

"Mana, Neah," Katerina greeted with a smile, cheeks still lightly flushed from her earlier laughter. "How did it go?"

"It went great," Neah answered with a self-satisfied grin. "All three of them promised to come after breakfast tomorrow so they don't miss Allen." He smirked slightly. "Maria has her work cut out for her, keeping the two of them from dropping everything to head over here today, but I told them Allen wasn't ready."

At his own last words, Neah's smile faded into a look of concern, and he glanced at Allen, brow furrowing slightly. Allen smiled at him, a long-practiced reassurance on the tip of his tongue, but Mana spoke first, clearly very excited.

"I swear Al was trying to invent teleportation on the spot," Mana grinned. "And Cross actually dropped his bottle, shattered all over the floor-" Then his smile faded, too, and he glanced at Allen with a startlingly familiar brand of worry. "Speaking of- Allen? Are you better now?"

Allen smiled at him apologetically, focusing on Mana because it was easier to deal with his concern than Neah's. "I'm fine. I'm sorry for worrying you."

Allen finished drying the last dish and, at Katerina's direction, put it away. When he turned back, Mana had relaxed, clearly reassured, but Neah's gaze was lingering on him.

Katerina, thankfully, interjected before Neah could push. "Since we're all done here, we can move this back to the lounge and talk, can't we?" Her tone was deceptively light, but there was no mistaking the warning in it, something that surprised Neah, if his expression was anything to go by.

Allen nodded gratefully, and Mana shrugged and turned around to lead the way back down the hall. There, they settled back down, similar to when Allen had first arrived.

"You know, you never told us about Cross," Neah commented, arms crossed and head tilted slightly, curiosity appearing in the light of his eyes. When Allen glanced up at him, slightly surprised, he added, "If you're comfortable with it."

Allen glanced away again, cheeks flushing with mortification. _I'm not going to break. Don't treat me like I will. Please._

"I don't know exactly what he's like now," Allen started, one finger tapping his knee thoughtfully. "I know that he used to be a scientist-"

 _"Used_ to be?" Mana interrupted, clearly surprised. "I didn't think you could pull Cross from his lab table if you hooked him up to a horse and sent it galloping."

Allen smiled slightly. "Maybe not," he admitted, a hint of humor in his voice. "But bonding to an Innocence has about the same effect."

He could feel Katerina's surprised gaze boring into the side of his head, but his focus was on the twins' widened eyes.

"Him? An _accommodator?"_ Mana yelped.

"But he's never-" Neah waved his hand vaguely. Allen grinned a little, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.

"Well, you can't really tell, can you?" He shrugged. "Most accommodators bond with their Innocences because something happened, and it brought out the strongest parts of them, which the Innocence responded to."

"And what happened to you?" Neah asked, intensely interested.

Allen smiled, an empty, meaningless one this time, and reached up to tap the part of his curse that ran parallel to his eye. "The same thing that gave me this," he answered. Before Neah could pursue the topic (for he now looked even more intrigued than before, and worried again to boot) Allen continued. "As much as I hate to admit it, by the time I knew him, Master was, without a doubt, the most wily man I knew, with the experience to back it up. I don't know how he pulled off half the things he did." Everything, if Allen was honest, that the man had ever set his mind to, he had done - right up until his death at Apocryphos' hands. The thought still made Allen's blood boil.

"That sounds pretty unlike him," Mana commented, leaning forward slightly.

Allen scowled slightly. "He _also_ travelled all the time, fleeing debt collectors. He liked to go to bars to drink and brothels to fuck, but he didn't like paying the bills."

Both twins burst into laughter, and Katerina sighed, reaching up to tug at a strand of her hair ruefully.

"That boy is going to give me grey hairs," she complained. Allen smiled a little.

"You and everyone he's ever worked with."

"Speaking of which!" Mana hopped back in, eyes alight with excitement. "You must have some pretty interesting stories."

Neah grinned and elbowed Mana, who scooted away without a second thought. "Looking for blackmail material?"

"Maybe a little," Mana admitted, laughing. "God knows he has enough on me."

"Welll…" Allen considered, and then a slow, somewhat mischievous grin spread across his face. Mana's face lit up, and that was nearly enough to soften it into a genuine smile. "There was that time he got so drunk that when an angry mob went after the two of us - which was his fault, by the way - I had to practically drag him by his hair."

Neah snorted, and Mana laughed.

"Sounds like a good story," Mana said with clear delight. Allen nodded, still smiling.

"So we'd been in that town for about a week, and that's already a lot longer than we normally would stay in one place…"

Allen told that story, and then another, and then another, and then Mana and Neah started to return the favor, occasionally helped along by Katerina, who was alternately exasperated and fond. Allen didn't know how long they stayed like that, but it was interrupted when a golden ball smacked straight into his forehead in what was generally a second-last resort to get his attention. (The last resort was biting him.)

"Tim!" Allen stopped in the middle of yet another story to reach up and pluck Timcanpy off him, and the golem gave him one of the most put-out looks he'd seen from it. "Don't give me that look. If you don't stick around, you miss the fun. And the food."

Tim growled at him and Allen chuckled softly, tugging absently at his tail.

"You can have some at dinner, you little glutton. It's not like I'll eat it all." Tim wilted. "Don't give me that look either!" Timcanpy could be very frustrating sometimes.

"You know, I haven't seen anyone except me and Cross talk to him like that."

At some point, Neah had gotten up and moved so he was right beside Allen. At the sound of his voice, Allen flinched, startled, and his eyes darted up to meet Neah's interested ones. In an instant, Neah went from interested to taken aback, and Allen wondered half-despairingly what expression he'd given up in his split second of inattention.

Tim took off from his hands and circled around Neah once in greeting before settling on Allen's head, tail weaving contentedly through his hair.

Once he processed Neah's comment, Allen smiled again, hoping to smooth over any suspicions that may have appeared in the Fourteenth Noah's mind. "Tim and I are good friends," he explained. "We have been for years."

Neah grinned. "I'm glad he likes you," he told the white-haired boy honestly. "I worry about him a little sometimes, even if I know I'll always be able to come back for him." He winked at Timcanpy, who, to Neah's clear surprise, only fluttered discomfitly.

Allen, when Neah looked back at him, had also averted his eyes, and looked almost as uncomfortable as Neah had seen him so far. "Yeah," was all the accommodator said in reply.

Neah frowned, and after a moment, glanced at Katerina, wondering if she knew what was going on. Katerina just gave him a strangely sad look, and then glanced at Mana, who hadn't missed the byplay but had apparently decided not to interfere.

"Allen," Katerina asked suddenly, startling Allen again. "Have you played chess before?"

"Of course," Allen confirmed, still a little surprised. "Johnny taught me how."

Katerina smiled. "Would you like to play with Mana?"

Mana looked startled, but not averse to the idea, and Allen looked almost eager.

"Certainly." Then, quickly, with an almost shy glance at Mana, "If he doesn't mind, of course."

"Not at all," Mana smiled, standing up. "I'll get the set, we can set up over there." He nodded at a desk, possibly set up just for the purpose.

While they did that, Katerina moved over by Neah, who still looked a little unsettled.

"I didn't know he didn't like me," Neah murmured, frowning, looking almost plaintive.

Privately, Katerina wondered if something specific had happened between her son and Allen - improbable but not impossible, given that Neah, as a Noah, would reincarnate (something that had failed to lessen the shock of the revelation of his first death) - or if it was simply a response to having known him only as a Noah.

"I'm sure it's nothing against you personally," Katerina assured him - she at least knew that much.

Neah sighed and nodded. "Did you see how he's looking at Mana?" he asked softly.

Katerina smiled slightly. "He idolizes him," she agreed. "I'm surprised Mana hasn't noticed yet."

Neah snorted. "Mana is very oblivious to these things," he said decisively, watching said man return with the chess set. Mana placed it on the table, and he and Allen started to set it up. "It's hard to imagine him as a father."

Katerina chuckled softly. "He has some growing to do," she agreed fondly, shoving away any thoughts of what Allen had said of her other son's eventual (possible, she reminded herself) mental state.

Still, something must have shown, because Neah - always more perceptive than his brother - side-eyed her, eyes almost wary. "What happened?"

Katerina, of course, instantly knew what he was talking about, and she sighed and shook her head slightly. "Allen has had some very bad experiences in his life," she explained softly, carefully avoiding explaining the precise nature of those experiences, "and he hasn't gotten over them yet. He was overwhelmed, that's all."

The lines of Neah's face resolved themselves into solemnity. "I see." He looked back at Allen, watching the light gleam off Timcanpy, still sitting contently on his head. "There's a lot more to him than there seems, huh?"

"Much more," Katerina agreed. She hesitated, and then added, "I'll try to find out why you upset him." Though she wasn't at all confident that she would be willing to tell Neah the answer.

Neah chuckled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "It probably doesn't matter," he said bracingly. "I mean… We don't even know if we'll see him again, once he goes home."

Katerina smiled at him softly. "But you'll always wonder."

Neah didn't deny it. Instead, he asked, "Are you going to tell Mana?"

Katerina nearly winced, but her eyes went to her other son and she sighed. "Not if I can help it," she admitted. "You have… always been the mature one, Neah. I'm not sure how he would handle it."

Neah grimaced slightly but nodded in agreement, and for a while, they sat in silence, watching Mana and Allen, both looking intensely invested in the game, play against each other. It wasn't hard to tell that Mana was winning by a landslide, and before long, Allen laughed ruefully and leaned back, shaking his head, while Mana grinned at him.

"You win," Allen admitted.

Mana grinned. "You haven't been playing for very long, have you?"

Allen chuckled and shook his head.

"Would you rather read a book?" Mana offered, hopping up. "A lot of my favorites are on the shelf over there, if you don't want to go to the library." He nodded to the single, tall bookshelf in the corner.

"You have to put the chess set away first," Katerina inserted sternly, standing up. She could feel Neah's slightly startled look and nearly smiled again. _Well, there isn't much time to waste, is there?_

Mana groaned dramatically, but he grinned at Allen, who smiled back, and started to pack it back up, while Katerina took Allen by the elbow and _gently_ guided him over to the shelf.

Allen's eyes went straight to the lines of book titles, slightly curious, but he froze when Katerina asked softly, the moment Mana left the room,

"Neah frightens you, doesn't he?" Allen didn't answer. "Do you mind telling me why?"

She was careful not to allow either judgement or force into her tone, and he glanced at her uncertainly. Then, to her surprise, his gaze turned almost steely, if it weren't so resigned.

"It doesn't matter," he said resolutely. Inexplicably, Katerina felt sad.

"Like the scar on your face doesn't matter?"

She wasn't exactly expecting a response, but Allen froze, just for a moment, and then loosened up again and smiled.

"Yes, exactly like that."

It had been a long time since Katerina so dearly wanted to help someone.

* * *

 **Oh look! He's doing better. ...Sort of. *snort* I do actually have a headcanon for how Cross synchronized with his Innocence, as well as what's under his mask, but sadly, Allen knows neither of these things, so it won't come up in this story. *laugh* Meanwhile, Katerina is still pushing, which is good for Allen, because he's messed up, and Neah is worried, which Allen appreciates less. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	7. Differences of Experience

**A/N: Hey! *smile* Not much to say up here, but I've got an announcement at the bottom, so keep an eye out.**

 **Thank you to Ryuakilover, giselleavellaneda09, Viviana, WOFWalker, Lena-luvs-cats, Kittenanimegirl13, SkyWorld27, justafreakinweeb, MnMsRoK, InsanityOwl, Amelia Loves Anime, Shadow Spears, AngelHeartsX, Nadejdaro, nayukiamnesia, Candy Crackpot, Russia says hello, newby6320, Darke13, and guest for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

If someone had told Allen, the week before, that he would, at some point, occupy the same room as a younger version of his father, uncle, and grandmother, all of them reading peacefully - Allen would have been very concerned for them.

Of course, in the way of things, that didn't keep it from happening.

Allen wasn't sure how long they read, but it was the sound of footsteps that ultimately made him look up, startled.

"Mm?" The unexpected motion made Neah look up quizzically, and then Mana. When Allen thought to look, he found Katerina smiling slightly and setting her book aside. Head tilting curiously, Allen followed suit.

A minute later, the door opened, and someone stepped through.

At first, Allen didn't recognize him. He had featured in none of Neah's memories, the crystal-clear, encroaching things that still lurked in the back of Allen's mind. Neah had never known this man.

But he had seen pictures.

"Dad!" Mana greeted, pleased. He hopped off the couch and crossed the room in a few quick strides. Neah was but a step behind.

With a chuckle, the man accepted the first of his sons with a one-armed hug, and the second with a hand to ruffle his hair, which Neah fended off with a put-out scowl. The man smirked at him and released Mana, who stepped back with a grin, eyes sparkling cheerfully.

"I'm home," Adam announced unnecessarily, a small, tired smile on his lips and a light in his bright gold eyes.

"So you are," Katerina smiled, rising to her feet. She crossed the room to press a kiss to Adam's cheek, and Adam took it with a subtle softening of his smile. "Welcome home."

Allen, meanwhile, had risen to his feet and now hung back awkwardly, watching the family. Seeking a way to distract himself, he examined Adam curiously.

Allen had seen pictures of Adam in Neah's memories, and once or twice encountered him, a gutted, hollow version of him, in Neah's wheat-field mindscape - and wasn't that a headache? A Noah memory inside a Noah memory inside a struggling, stubborn exorcist.

This Adam, like Neah, like Mana, was different. Affection colored a healthy, if somewhat drawn and worn-out, face, his eyes warm and crinkled with his smile. He moved fluidly, with unusual grace and an awareness about him that, quite quickly, led him to lift his gaze to meet Allen's, suddenly curious. Allen started guiltily.

"I see we have a guest in our home," Adam observed, voice carefully neutral, with a slight accent that Allen, to his own surprise, could not identify.

Neah grinned, and Mana laughed, taking a step back.

"Brace yourself," Katerina advised with a small, teasing smile, setting Allen's cheeks alight. Adam's eyebrows rose, now visibly interested.

"Alright!" Neah burst out, finally unable to restrain himself. Mana laughed at him. Neah ignored this, too excited to bother. "Dad, do you remember that talk we had? About what the Ark can do?"

"Which one?" Adam asked wryly, but his eyes sharpened noticeably, darting briefly to Allen and then back to his son.

Neah grinned wider. "The one about _crossing dimensions."_

Adam's eyes widened and turned on Allen, who felt his blush deepen. (Drawing attention to himself unnecessarily was never Allen's favorite thing, actual performances aside.)

"And who are you, young man?" Adam asked, with genuine, almost rabid curiosity.

"Allen Walker, sir," Allen introduced with a small, embarrassed smile, stepping forward and holding out his still-ungloved hand. "From a slightly different dimension and some years forward."

Adam hummed with interest, taking his hand in a firm grip and studying him. "Adam Campbell," he returned, and then, without preamble, "Why you?"

Adam, Allen realized, was far more straightforward than much of his family.

This time, Mana flushed, his hand rising to scratch the back of his head sheepishly, the look of discomfort he wore every time this topic came up appearing on his face. At the same time, Neah practically bounced, and he slid over and almost, Allen couldn't fail to note, tossed an arm around his shoulders, before apparently aborting at the last minute to clap him on the shoulder.

"Dad, meet your grandson," Neah announced, grin reappearing. "He says Mana adopted him when he was seven, so that makes him family, right?" His eyes gleamed expectantly at Adam.

Adam hummed noncommittally, looking Allen up and down while Allen tried not to look too uncomfortable or too guilty, tried not to think of all the things he'd done to the counterparts of these people, things that had felt wrong then and felt worse now.

Adam's eyes met his, and Allen felt exposed.

"Perhaps," Adam said at last, which was not any more helpful than the hum had been. Then he smiled, and inclined his head toward Allen; Allen wasn't sure whether or not that was at all reassuring. "Regardless - welcome to the Campbell mansion, Allen. Call me Adam."

Allen let a slightly relieved smile slip across his face. "Alright, Adam. Thank you."

Adam nodded at him, and then turned his gaze expectantly on Katerina, once again warm. "Now, Katerina, what have I missed in my absence?"

"Over dinner," Katerina said severely, waggling her index finger at him firmly, and Adam chuckled in acknowledgment. "And speaking of dinner - it's come time for me to make that."

"I can help," Allen offered instantly. To his surprise, Katerina shook her head firmly.

"You helped with lunch," she disagreed, "and you're a guest, unexpected or not. Neah can help."

Neah rolled his eyes but smiled at Allen as he gave his father a brief, one-armed hug of welcome, more restrained than the fullhearted one Mana had given, and then went after Katerina, leaving Adam, Allen, and Mana in the living room to talk.

The three of them sat down again, and Allen might have opted to remain silent, not wanting to encroach, had the first question not been posed to him - apparently his presence had distracted Adam from his own return and reunion with his family.

"How did you come to be here, Allen?"

Allen reached up to scratch the back of his head with a bashful smile, keeping his eyes on Adam's gold ones - something about the former (or current, he supposed) Earl's gaze was making him slightly uncomfortable. "Neah and I happened to be using our Arks at the same time - neither of us are exactly sure what wish they were responding to, but they connected. It was Neah's idea for me to actually come over."

Adam nodded in acknowledgment. "And how did you come by that Innocence in your hand?"

Allen glanced down and, though he knew it wouldn't have helped, instantly regretted his earlier decision not to don his gloves before following Katerina back into the main body of the mansion. "I'm afraid I don't know," he replied politely. "I've had it for as long as I can remember."

"Do you know how to use it?" Though Adam's tone never changed, this time it sent a sharp chill down Allen's spine, and he tensed slightly.

"I do," Allen answered, setting his right hand on top of his left, both calmly in his lap. His gaze didn't waver from Adam. Beside his father, Mana was frowning, glancing back and forth between the two of them with a furrowed brow and puzzled eyes.

"I see." Adam smiled, and Allen remembered, abruptly, that until he split into Neah and Mana, his world's Adam had lasted all the time from the dawn of the war without once needing to reincarnate. This Adam had probably never reincarnated at all, making him a full seven thousand years old. "I hope you understand my concerns."

Allen inclined his head slightly, a polite, false smile on his lips. "Of course." He pushed a hint of humor into his voice and added, "I can't exactly turn my arm over to you to assuage them, though."

An answering smile curled Adam's lips as well. "Unfortunately not." He leaned back slightly and glanced at Mana, whose gaze had settled on him, an uncharacteristic frown on his face. "But, well - Neah seemed happy to have you here. Mana?"

Mana frowned at Adam, and eventually answered slowly, "Allen's been quite fun so far, and he seems to be a very nice person. I certainly wouldn't want to send him home early."

"I'll be leaving sometime tomorrow as it is," Allen added, letting his smile ease into something more natural and a little self-deprecating. "So I'll be out of your hair then."

Adam sighed, surrendered a wry smile himself, and relaxed; Allen took this as the cue for him to relax as well. "Very well," Adam conceded. "Then I suppose I can't object."

The moment passed.

"Now!" Adam smiled at Mana more genuinely, and Mana relaxed as well, frown fading back into his natural smile. "Have you missed me, Mana?"

Mana rolled his eyes and laughed. "You've been gone, what, a week and a half?"

"A week and five days," Adam demurred. "I always count the days away from my family."

Mana shook his head and addressed Allen, smiling despite himself. "Dad goes out to check in with the Noah fairly often, so this is normal. He always acts like he's been away forever, though." He grinned at Adam, and Allen smiled at him.

"Maybe that's where you got your silliness," he teased lightly. Mana laughed.

"Yeah, I guess so," he agreed easily. "Only I don't have seven thousand years of experience to temper it." He grinned at Adam. "Apparently I ended up a clown in Allen's world."

"Somehow I'm not surprised," Adam chuckled, glancing at Allen curiously. Allen smiled and ducked his head.

"He lived like a clown even when he wasn't onstage, too," Allen added, unable to restrain the wistful fondness in his voice. "Couldn't even jump with surprise without making it over the top."

Mana grinned. "That's a good idea," he said playfully. "Maybe I should adopt that habit early."

Allen chuckled quietly. "What's stopping you?"

"Please don't," Adam requested, smiling himself. "Neah might have a conniption, and Cross would likely murder you out of exasperation. I wouldn't want to have to clean up that mess."

Mana laughed, reaching up to swipe his hair over his shoulder. "Too bad."

The conversation continued, and Adam kept at least half an eye on Allen at all times.

The boy's subtleties might have escaped Mana and perhaps even Neah, but Adam was sure that Katerina would have caught some of them; she was, had always been, a very perceptive woman. Never mind the obvious traits - white hair, after all, was not normal for a child of Allen's apparent age, and the vicious scar on his face spoke volumes for itself, though with Allen's small smile, it was almost ignorable, something that was itself unnerving. And his Innocence, of course, was instantly suspicious to Adam, even if not his family, who had never seen it in action before.

But besides those - Allen moved like a fighter, smiled like a liar, and spoke like someone with something to hide. None of these things sat well with Adam; though he knew that there were reasons for all of these things that were purely personal and not at all malicious, he was not overly inclined to take chances with his family - and though Neah might count Allen among them, Adam was not so easily convinced.

As the conversation went on, though, Adam noticed other things. Specifically, one other thing.

Allen loved Mana.

This, of course, should have been a given, but Adam had seen far too much to believe that something like adoption was a guarantee of affection. In this case, however, it seemed to be so, for Allen clearly thought the world of Mana.

Mana was, if Adam was any judge, oblivious to this, which Allen appeared well aware of; still, the white-haired boy smiled at the alternate version of his father with unrestrained affection and carefully accommodated his inclinations, skirting topics that made Mana uncomfortable but happily expanding on ones where Mana showed the slightest bit of interest.

Adam thought that this was a rather interesting dynamic for a father and a son.

So caught up in his observation was Adam that the announcement of dinner startled him, but then the three of them moved to help set it out, and then settled down.

Unlike the other three, Adam was not so surprised by the amount of food Allen intended to consume; in fact, it seemed a surprisingly small amount, leading him to wonder if his synchronization with his Innocence was unusually weak.

He dismissed the thought after a while, and once everyone had taken what they wished, Katerina finally turned to Adam with a smile.

"Alright, Adam. _Now_ we can talk. How did everything go?"

Neah and Mana perked up as well, interesting despite how routine this was, and Allen also looked up, silver eyes settling on Adam with curiosity and a little bit of apprehension that Adam couldn't have missed if he tried. Nonetheless, Adam smiled.

"Extremely well," Adam promised, satisfied. "Raasura is settling in well, and everyone seems to be fine; no problems have cropped up anywhere, always nice to hear."

"An improvement over having to straighten out international incidents, huh?" Mana teased. Adam chuckled.

"Quite." That had been a mess. It was always a mess when the Noah went into politics, but Adam wouldn't dream of taking their ambitions from them; they were often all that made a prolonged existence bearable. "Oh, and Katerina-" Katerina tilted her head expectantly. "Road asked to be able to come and visit again; you know how she is." Katerina sighed and nodded. "Would tomorrow be a good time? Perhaps sometime in the evening?"

To his slight surprise, Katerina glanced at Allen, looking concerned. Adam frowned and glanced at Allen, who had winced slightly, but was now smiling at Katerina reassuringly.

"I'll likely be gone by then," Allen assured her. He was, Adam noted, eating slower than Adam might have expected, especially given the food he had to work through. Inwardly, Adam frowned. Allen's smile turned self-deprecating and he added, "My friends will be getting worried, after all."

Katerina smiled and nodded. "Of course." She looked back at Adam. "Then she is welcome to come, of course. It will be lovely to see her again."

"I'd like to see if she's made any headway with her powers," Neah agreed, smiling.

"And how has your time gone?" Adam asked. "Setting aside the obvious, of course." He glanced at Allen, who blushed slightly.

"I don't know," Katerina said with terrifying mildness. "Why don't you tell him, Mana?"

Adam frowned and glanced sharply at the less responsible of his sons to see Mana smiling bashfully, one hand up to rub the back of his neck nervously. "Mana?" he asked, with equal parts warning and concern.

When Mana made no move to answer, Neah did, with genuine, unusual irritation in his voice. Adam noticed Allen looking concerned at that, and visibly surprised as well.

"Mana went out drinking with Cross," Neah announced, disapproval reverberating clearly. "And came home _stumbling drunk."_

"Mana…" Adam sighed long-sufferingly, though it wasn't the first time this had occurred.

Mana chuckled in embarrassment, but defended, "I wasn't doing anything wrong! I promise nothing happened."

Adam made a disapproving sound of his own. "Cross Marian is a bad influence on you," he muttered cantankerously.

"Al was reeling us in!" Mana protested. "He made sure nothing happened. I swear!"

Adam sighed, shaking his head. "Well, at least he has a good head on his shoulders," he smiled, amused, and restrained a chuckle when Mana was almost visibly relieved. "Which is more than I can say for you." Mana wilted.

"You deserved that," Neah told his brother firmly.

Mana groaned.

* * *

Things wound down from there; Allen finished some time after everyone else, and they all stayed around to talk until it was at last time to sleep.

Neah showed Allen to a guest room, and Allen smiled at him, fighting down the nausea that had persisted after the meal. "Thank you," he said gratefully; he was, in all honesty, more tired than he had been in a while.

Neah grinned at him. "No problem. See you tomorrow morning, alright? Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Allen answered, and when Neah left, shut the door behind him, and turned to survey the somewhat elaborate room.

Finally, he let his smile drop.

He was exhausted, but in all honesty, in this environment, after a day with these people, it was unlikely that he'd sleep well. He'd just have to hope he got enough to put up a good front the next day.

Ha.

With no nightclothes to change into, Allen just took his shoes off and then climbed into bed, curling up under the covers.

He was almost surprised by how quickly sleep came.

* * *

In their room, after both of them were in bed, Katerina turned to her husband and said, voice quiet but serious, "I need to tell you a few things. About the world Allen came from."

Adam's brow furrowed, but he nodded and turned his full attention onto Katerina.

What he heard worried him more than he wanted to admit.

* * *

 **Alright! *clap* So we meet Adam - obviously I had to make shit up here, but considering that, I think I did alright. *smile and bounce* And he immediately gets bombarded, oops. And the end of the day (it only took seven chapters). Now:**

 ** _IMPORTANT:_**

 **Much as I hate to say it, real life needs take priority. AP tests start in May, and the school year is winding down, which, despite the term, means tests, homework, _so much shit._ So, starting with this story, I'm placing everything on a one month hiatus during May. The continuation date for this story is May 31st, because I felt silly putting off continuation for another two weeks just because May wasn't _quite_ over. *laugh* Guys, that's only one missed update. Still, I wanted to warn you first.**

 **That's it. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	8. Signals of Change

**A/N: Hi, guys! *beam and wave* I'm back from hiatus! Exams went great (I think) but I won't get the results back for some of them 'til July. *wilt* Now, there's only a few days left of school, all of them fairly easy, not to mention I got this chapter and the Synchro one done, like, a week ago, and should get the CC done today. (Apparently I don't work on Blackberry Bushes at all unless compelled. *wilt*) Anyway, thank you for your patience!**

 **Thank you to WOFWalker, Candy Crackpot, Ryuakilover, Lena-luvs-cats, Kittenanimegirl13, AngelHeartsX, giselleavellaneda09, Shadow Spears, Darke13, MnMsRoK, InsanityOwl, MsMusicLover, Jazebeth, nayukiamnesia, Amelia Loves Anime, newby6320, CloudCarnivore, bibliophile030, and 3 guests for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

 _Allen woke slowly, in a position that was not unfamiliar but which he hadn't found himself in in years: curled up against his master's side, with the grown man's arm thrown carelessly over him in a manner that made him feel strangely safe._

 _Allen shifted, reluctant to open his eyes, but half-expecting Cross to recoil as if burned and shove him roughly away, as he usually did when he realized Allen was awake._

 _Instead, all that happened was that Cross' arm tightened slightly, and the man asked, voice quiet and rough,_

 _"Still there, idiot apprentice?"_

 _And it all came crashing back._

 _He was in the Fourteenth's mindscape, in the small, twelve-year-old form he sometimes took while there. Cross had told him that he would disappear here, and then offered to stay with him until then-_

 _But Allen had refused, hadn't he?_

 _"No," Allen protested weakly, starting to push himself up. "No, I- I need to keep walking."_

 _Cross' arm didn't budge._

 _"Stupid apprentice," Cross muttered. "You idiot, you're just hurting yourself. Stay still for five minutes together, won't you?"_

 _"No," Allen croaked, pushing against Cross' arm, feeling dizzy. "No. I can't. I have to keep going." For his friends. His friends needed him. He needed to help them. He needed to be useful._

 _"Yes, that's it."_

 _Allen looked up to see Mana crouching in front of him, smiling gently - **his** Mana, fifty or so years old, but with the clarity of his younger self - Allen could see it in his eyes._

 _"Come on, Allen," Mana urged, holding his hand out patiently. "Stand up. Come on. It's time to go."_

 _Go where? Where did Mana want to take him? ...Did it matter? Allen wanted to see Mana again. No matter what it took. He'd do anything for Mana. Anything._

 _Allen tried again, but Cross' arm still kept him close._

 _He could hear, now, in the back of his mind, the faint call of a different Mana, from a different time._

 ** _"Neah!"_**

 _"He can't, you idiot," Cross growled at Mana. "Look at him."_

 ** _"Neah, Cross and Al and Maria are all waiting for us! Come on!"_**

 _"He can do it," Mana insisted. "Can't you, Allen?"_

 _Allen took a deep breath and nodded, focusing on the here and now, and feeling tears pricking at his eyes; neither of them had noticed his lapse in attention. Wanting to go with Mana, he tried to push Cross' arm off of him._

 _Then, abruptly, he realized that Cross wasn't holding him down at all. Allen just wasn't strong enough to lift his arm._

 ** _"Neah! Get up, you lazybones!"_**

 _"Leave the brat alone," Cross snapped at Mana. "For fuck's sake. Look at him, he's half dead already - are you trying to kill him **faster?"**_

 _"He'll be fine. He always is."_

 _That was Neah, smiling at Allen, bright-eyed and encouraging, from Cross' other side._

 ** _"Let me take my time. I'll be there soon."_**

 _Allen pushed desperately at Cross' arm again, tried to respond, tried to tell his master that the memories were coming for him, and found instead that he didn't have breath enough to speak. His eyes filled with tears, frightened and frustrated._

 _"Don't you think that 'always' has a limit?" Cross asked scathingly. "Christ. I never realized you two were this goddamn dense."_

 ** _"I'll only be a minute, Mana. Just be patient."_**

 _"Come, Allen," Mana murmured, complete faith in his soft eyes. "Remember, never stop. Always keep walking."_

 _He had to. Mana would be so disappointed in him. He was waiting. Allen couldn't disappoint him. He couldn't. He had to get up._

 _But he couldn't. The more he struggled to stand, the faster his strength drained away, the louder the memories got, and the harder it became to breathe._

 ** _"Come on, Neah! Hurry up already!"_**

 _Finally, Allen's struggles began to slow, and he started to relax against Cross, panting softly. His cheeks were wet with tears, and his eyes started to flutter closed as he lost the will to keep them open. He felt dizzy and faint, and the memories were so, so loud. And so familiar..._

 ** _"Neah, they're waiting! You're so slow!"_**

 _"I'm coming, Mana," Allen mumbled, his chin dropped almost to his shoulder, eyes closed and deathly still. "I'm coming…"_

 _"That's it, Allen. Just a little farther." Mana. Why was he calling him Allen?_

 _"It's about time!" Someone cheerful. His own voice… right? But he wasn't cheerful… He hadn't been cheerful in a long time…_

 _"Dammit, Allen." Cross this time, in a grieved mutter. But what was wrong? Neah was just getting up…_

 _He fell asleep._

Allen woke up. A moment later, he was stumbling blindly, untangling himself from the sheets, and a moment after that, he was leaning over a toilet, emptying his stomach of everything he'd eaten the night before.

When he finally came back to himself, sitting back on his heels and wiping his mouth, he realized he was crying.

That dream, just one of what felt like thousands of recurring nightmares, wasn't terrifying, not in the same heart-stopping way many of them were. But this unsettlement, the deep-seated disturbance and roiling nausea that came with it, the bone-deep exhaustion and the creep of memories, was in many ways worse.

The Fourteenth was no longer a threat to Allen. Though his memories remained, though Allen still sometimes confused them with his own, he could no longer consume Allen the way he'd once tried to; Allen himself had seen to that.

Allen needed to keep going and his master was an idiot. Allen was fine. He was _fine._

Allen didn't realize how hard he was crying until he finally leaned over and threw up again.

* * *

By the time Allen emerged from the bathroom, legs shaky and face and hands still damp, the sky outside was starting to lighten with the beginnings of dawn.

Timcanpy greeted him by flitting over to him and fluttering in front of his face, clearly concerned. Allen smiled at him wanly, but remained silent. Timcanpy, used to this behavior after a nightmare, just nuzzled him encouragingly and then flitted over to settle on his shoulder. Allen lifted his hand to rub the end of Timcanpy's tail absently.

He didn't have any clothes to wear beyond those he had on already, so he brushed them off halfheartedly, then shrugged and pulled on his gloves - even knowing the Campbell family had already seen him without them, he still felt uncomfortable going anywhere with his hand exposed. Besides, Maria, Cross, and Al hadn't seen it, and as far as he was concerned, they didn't need to.

He was almost dreading seeing Cross again. He would be so different. It would hurt; Allen could tell already that it would hurt, in a way that Mana, whose death had long passed, hadn't quite.

But he had, of course, promised.

The lounge, as far as Allen recalled, wasn't that far from his assigned room at all - unfortunately, that was _all_ Allen remembered.

"Timcanpy, do you remember how to get back?" he asked quietly. Timcanpy growled softly in assurance and took off, leaving Allen to follow him down the hall.

Allen took his time, knowing Tim would wait for him, and thought.

The Campbells that featured in the Fourteenth's memories had been like this in his earliest years - peaceful, friendly, playful. He recognized Katerina's smile from them, and Mana's laugh, unburdened by age or madness.

By the time the Fourteenth had reached his teen years, though, there had been almost nothing but conflict. Katerina's smile had disappeared, the light drained from Mana's eyes, and the humor in the Fourteenth's voice became rigid, eventually disappearing entirely as the anger consumed him, anger and frustration and the fight against Adam's ghost.

The Fourteenth's hysterical laugh filled his ears. Allen ignored it.

Here, they were far more cheerful - as though those early days had never ended. Allen was happy for them, honestly, but still… It made him wonder.

Then, of course, there was Cross, who had never come to the Order, never made war plans with the Fourteenth, never lost Maria.

There was Maria herself, whose face Allen, now that he thought of it, had never even seen before, at least not most of it. Cross had always kept her carefully covered up, dressed in her extravagant dress.

And - there was Al. The mysterious 'Allen' who the Fourteenth had made a deal with, who, for some reason or another, was unable or perhaps unwilling to fulfil his promise. And the reason Allen had been given the memory of the Fourteenth.

A group of veritable strangers, all of whom Allen knew many things about which would now never apply, who in turn knew absolutely nothing about him.

...This was going to be a very long day indeed. Allen smiled sadly.

He reached the lounge and found, to his surprise, Katerina, already inside, sitting on the couch, reading again. She looked up as he approached, Tim falling back to flutter around his head, and looked almost as surprised as he did.

"Awake already?" she inquired curiously, setting her book down.

Allen smiled and nodded, though he couldn't suppress the ripple of tension in his shoulders. (He _hated_ nightmares.) "I'm not the only one," he pointed out mildly, sitting down a little away from her. Timcanpy took off, brushing Katerina briefly, just enough to ruffle her hair, before settling contently on the mantle to watch them.

She laughed, smoothing her hair back down with a brief, exasperated glance at Tim. "You've got me there." She tilted her head slightly, focusing on him. He smiled uncomfortably. More softly, she asked, "Have you had a good time?"

Allen's smile eased slightly, and after only a brief moment of consideration, he nodded. "I did," he said quietly. "Thank you."

It had been hard - harder than he would have anticipated - but… he was glad. It was… nice, to see them healthy and happy. It didn't make him feel better about what _had_ happened, but he liked seeing what _could_ have been, had there been no war.

Her smile widened and brightened slightly. "I'm glad," she replied honestly. Then, teasingly, "Are you looking forward to seeing your master much younger? I'm sure it'll be amusing to see him with so little experience."

Allen stifled a snort at the unexpected comment. He hadn't really thought of it that way. "I'm going to laugh at him every time he tells a noticeable lie," he said decisively, "and see how he likes it."

"You'll be out of breath within the hour," Katerina chuckled, though her gaze sharpened with interest, and Allen smiled. It was hard to imagine a Cross who _didn't_ lie like a snake, but then again, at the age he was now, surely he wasn't nearly so good at it - not if he hadn't had the same training Allen had. "And what about Al and Maria? Are you looking forward to meeting them?"

Allen's smile faded, and he tilted his head slightly, genuinely considering the question, and then nodded. "It'll be interesting," he said honestly, and that was all he had to say about that. (He _had_ learned to keep a secret from the very best, and lying wasn't always the answer.)

Katerina studied him thoughtfully for a moment, but swiftly let it go. "I'll be sorry to see you go," she told Allen earnestly.

"I'll miss you too," Allen admitted, rubbing the back of his neck with a small smile.

"Are you certain you can't stay a little longer?" Katerina looked hopeful, but not as pushy as Allen knew she could have. He smiled apologetically.

"My friends will be getting worried," he explained, referencing the same reason he'd been using thus far. And it was true - he wasn't oblivious to Krory's concerns, and he didn't want to upset them.

"Alright," Katerina sighed, shaking her head slightly. She glanced at the clock and started slightly. "Oh! I ought to start breakfast soon."

"Is it that time already?" Allen wondered, surprised.

"Indeed. Would you like to help again, Allen?" Katerina asked, rising. Allen smiled, following.

"Of course."

* * *

Breakfast came and went in relative peace. Allen managed to somehow be even less willing to eat than usual; most of his food was set aside for later. Mana chattered to him excitedly almost the entire time, clearly looking forward to introducing him to his friends; Allen appreciated the distraction. Neah spoke to Katerina instead, while Adam ate in relative silence, lost in thought save for occasional, lingering looks at Allen.

Adam left soon after everyone finished, citing a wish to be alone. Allen suspected that Katerina knew why, being the only one not surprised. It had been her who suggested that Allen and Katerina return to the lounge while Mana and Neah retrieve their surely impatient friends.

That left Allen fiddling anxiously with the edge of his glove, trying valiantly to ignore Katerina giggling beside him.

"It'll be fine," Katerina assured him, poorly hidden amusement highlighting the cadence of her voice. "I'm sure you'll get along very well. You're very easy to like, Allen."

Allen hummed uneasily, covering his left hand with his right. "Master is very volatile," he offered ambiguously, though getting along with Cross' alternate self was the least of his worries.

"Maria will keep him in check," Katerina promised, smiling at him. It faded as she studied him. "...You never mentioned what happened to Maria."

Allen's gaze fell to the ground and he went still. "All of them are dead," he said, soft and sudden. "It's very unsettling." He glanced over, saw her expression, and winced, berating himself silently. "I'm sure it's much worse for you."

"All of them?" Katerina asked quietly, dismay and an echo of grief heightening the pitch of her voice.

Allen didn't answer her, nor did he lift his gaze from the ground. As a result, he was badly startled when he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, and he jerked, eyes shooting to Katerina's.

Katerina's eyes were on him, dry, but dim and solemn. Her hand hadn't left his shoulder, and the corner of her mouth was turned down in a troubled, pensive frown.

"You're a very private person, aren't you, Allen?"

Allen's mouth curved in a small smile. "I always have been."

"What happened to Maria, Allen?"

Allen neither hesitated nor changed expression. "I'd rather not talk about it."

Katerina's frown deepened slightly, but before she could press the matter, the door opened, drawing their attention.

Neah's Timcanpy zipped through first, joining Allen's on the mantle. Neah himself quickly followed, eyes bright and excited.

Next was a man Allen recognized only from Neah's memories - taller than Allen, with long red-brown hair, round glasses, and a bright-eyed, interested expression. On his shoulder rested a black golem like Timcanpy, tail curled around its feet like a little coil.

Then came Cross - Allen could hardly fail to recognize him, even with both sides of his face visible and younger than Allen had ever known him. (Cross hadn't featured much in Neah's memories. As it turned out, Cross had _always_ been a busy, flighty man.)

Then Mana, chatting animatedly with a woman who Allen recognized, after a moment, as Maria, who came right after.

"They're here!" Neah announced unnecessarily, smiling widely.

"I see," Katerina agreed, smiling at them. "Welcome back, Al, Cross, Maria. Maria, I hope the boys didn't give you too much trouble?"

Maria rolled her eyes, crossing her arms with a small smirk. "Well, for a given definition of trouble." She glanced significantly at Cross, who raised his hands in a defensive gesture, smirking as well. "Cross has no patience whatsoever, but I think Bookman was able to keep Al in line."

Al pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and huffed. "I don't need to be fucking _kept in line,"_ he complained, scowling at Maria. "I'm a _responsible human being,_ unlike some." He also glanced at Cross, who rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah. Did we come here to meet the kid, or to insult me?"

That effectively turned their attention back to Allen, who had risen to his feet and was smiling sheepishly. Katerina chuckled quietly.

"I think I'll leave you alone to get acquainted," she said fondly, gaze flickering over them briefly. "There are too many voices in this room as it is."

Mana waved with a smile. "Okay, Mum. We'll see you later."

Neah nodded in agreement absently, most of his attention not on that, and Allen shot Katerina one last betrayed look as she smiled at him as well and left out the door.

Katerina was not helpful, he decided sulkily.

As soon as she was gone, Neah stepped forward, and Allen became aware that everyone's eyes were on him.

"Allen," Neah started, his grin returning as he gestured, one by one, to each of his friends, "this is Maria, Cross, and Al. Maria, Cross, Al-" He gestured to Allen. "Allen."

Maria studied Allen with interest. "You're right, he does look like Al," she commented, sounding faintly surprised.

"I am right sometimes," Neah told her.

Allen eyed Al, who was gradually becoming more and more restless as he stood in place, while Mana silently laughed at him. Finally, Al apparently couldn't take it anymore and darted over to him, getting with two feet before he stopped. The black golem apparently took this as its signal and took off, moving to orbit around the two of them at a high speed, 'rah'ing constantly.

"Is it true?" Al asked Allen, intent and focused and a little unnerving. Allen tilted his head uncertainly, but before he could answer, Al continued, voice rising a little with each successive question, "Are you really from a goddamn _alternate dimension?_ Where did the timelines diverge? Are you _certain_ that you're not just from the future? Do you know how you got here? Do-"

"Let the kid breathe," Cross interrupted, snorting, probably at Allen's wide-eyed look. Al huffed, straightening up to take a reluctant step back.

"I'm just _asking,"_ he muttered, looking slightly embarrassed.

Allen blinked at him for a moment, and then chuckled softly, reaching up to scratch the back of his head. Briefly, his gaze travelled over to Cross - smirking, right side of his face intact, without the tension in his shoulders Allen hadn't even realized his Cross had had - but returned to Al before anyone could take much notice.

"Yes, it's true," Allen said at last, and Al's gaze sharpened with something more than interest - a calculating look that reminded Allen of Lavi when he switched from 'Lavi' to 'Bookman Junior'. "I'm not sure exactly how I got here, since I don't really know how the Ark works, but I'm definitely from an alternate dimension. I think the timelines diverged at _least_ a hundred years ago - something like seventy here - but it's possible that it was more like seven thousand." He didn't really know when the official Holy War had started.

Al visibly considered that for a moment, and then a small smirk stretched across his face. He nodded firmly. "I have," he announced grandly, _"so many more questions."_

"Rah!" the black golem agreed cheerfully, slowing to a hover by Al's head.

Maria cleared her throat, making a clear effort to sound exasperated, but there was no mistaking the amusement in her eyes. "Perhaps we could take this outside? We're a little pressed for room in here."

Allen disagreed, but he certainly wouldn't mind going outside, so he glanced expectantly at Neah and Mana.

"Sounds good to me!" Mana decided. "Allen, have you been outside yet?"

"Only when I came in," Allen admitted, smiling slightly. "But I've been by before." In a manner of speaking; all the time spent in Neah's mindscape had been spent in the area immediately outside the manor. He was, by now, quite familiar with it.

"We can sit by Cornelia!" Mana added, smiling.

"Do you mean _by?"_ Al asked acerbically, attention temporarily diverted. "Or _on?"_

"What?" Cross snarked at him. "Can't you handle the climb, _Bookman Junior?"_

Al huffed and tossed his head to look away. "Not everyone likes to behave like prehistoric savages," he sniped back.

"Al isn't strong enough to climb the tree," Maria explained to Allen, who stifled a laugh.

"I see."

* * *

 **And... done! *beam* So we introduce Maria (who is frustratingly difficult) as well as Past!Allen and Cross. *grin* There's been a lot of Tumblr influence on their characterizations (Maria aside) so this should be interesting. Also, the break from canon is currently a little ambiguous, but basically, 222 went down mostly as it did in canon, except Cross didn't send Allen off to Katerina's because Katerina was dead. Anyway, thanks for reading, and please review!**


	9. Cross-Examination

**A/N: Hey. *wave* This chapter makes my brain hurt. Mana and Maria make my brain hurt, honestly.**

 **Thank you to AngelHeartsX, Ryuakilover, TeamPotterorJackson, gisellavellaneda09, Wha, Kittenanimegirl13, kamimeraku, Lena-luvs-cats, InsanityOwl, TrueCountryCowgirl, MsMusicLover, cursedchild14, Amelia Loves Anime, newby6320, Elise, and guest for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"I'm sorry for Al and Cross," Maria told Allen, while not actually looking that sorry at all; she was actually smirking.

Allen eyed her thoughtfully, heart squeezing slightly. Maria had brown eyes with long lashes, and wavy black hair that framed her face. She also held herself with a confidence Allen associated most with General Nyne, with a slight smirk that was more like Cross at his most irritating. "M- Cross hasn't done anything yet," he pointed out mildly.

The six of them were outside now, and the two golems were weaving in and out of the group; Al's golem - Urcanpy, Allen had been informed - seemed unaccountably interested in Tim, who was having none of it.

"He will," Maria assured him. "Give him time."

Allen chuckled softly and looked forward again; there was Cornelia, up ahead, surrounded by a wheat field that didn't feel quite as endless or as desolate as Allen remembered. "Was he plotting something?" he asked, genuinely curious. Had that been a trait Master had developed with the Order?

"He's always plotting something," Maria said dismissively. Well, that answered that. "The question you _should_ ask is if he was plotting against you, which is also true."

"Yay," Allen said ruefully.

Maria smirked at him, and in another moment, they'd reached Cornelia. Their conversation paused as first Mana, and then Neah climbed the tree, one after the other. Mana stopped only once he'd reached one of the higher branches - the highest that could reasonably support him, Allen guessed - and Neah only a little below. The two golem flew up to settle side-by-side on a lower branch.

Cross went next, matching Mana's height on the other side of the tree, and smirked down at those still on the ground.

"So, which of you are man enough to get your asses up here?" he jeered, eyes alight with mischief.

"Are you grown or aren't you?" Al snapped, and strode over to sit at the base of the tree.

Maria raised an eyebrow at Allen, who accurately concluded that he was expected to make his choice next. With a small smile, he crossed over to the tree and pulled himself up, settling on a much lower branch than the others and straddling it close to the trunk.

"Bloody _hell,_ you're just like them."

Allen peeked down at the ground to see Al scowling up at all of them, and barely suppressed a smile. Maria laughed, loud and genuine, and plopped herself down beside Al.

"Bitter bumpkin," she teased, elbowing him hard enough to almost bowl him over.

"That _hurt,_ you vicious woman!" But he was smiling, even as he rubbed his side gingerly.

"And so will your neck, by the time this conversation is over," Maria retorted. "Why haven't you learned to climb?"

"Why haven't _you?"_ Al sniped, leaning back again.

"Proper ladies don't climb trees," Maria said loftily, and then, with another smirk, _"Someone_ has to keep you company."

Al grumbled, and Mana, at something of a forty-five degree angle to Allen, grinned at him. "So," he announced, drawing out the word for far longer than strictly necessary.

"So?" Allen echoed innocently, playing dumb with a small smile.

 _"So,"_ Cross stressed, with a distinctly predatory smirk that Allen was unwilling to admit he found unnerving. "What's your world like, huh?"

Allen had been prepared for this question. He smiled. "It's much like this one," he explained, "but tensions between Innocence users and Noah are more pronounced." Understatement of the century, not that they would find that out, if he had any say. "And something happened around… perhaps five years ago, in my world, and that hasn't happened here."

"Like what?"

Allen glanced down and was again unnerved by how sharp Al's gaze suddenly was.

"Would this," Al continued, gaze intent behind his thick-lensed glasses, "be the event that led to the deaths of Mana and Neah?"

Allen didn't let his surprise show; apparently the twins had revealed more already than he'd expected them to. "Yes," he admitted, keeping his voice a little softer. "I'm not certain precisely what it was - I was never told, you see - but it would have happened by now."

Al let out a small, harsh sigh, and glanced at the two Campbells with thinly-veiled concern in his eyes. It was gone in the next moment, and his gaze was intent again, returned to Allen. "Well, god damn," he muttered.

There was a short, solemn silence, which Maria broke.

"I suppose we should be thankful we haven't seen any signs of it," she said crisply, and looked at Cross sharply. _"Right?"_

Cross gave an easy smirk, and for once, Allen was sure he wasn't the only one who saw how forced it was. "'Course not," he said casually. "I'd have said something."

"You never say anything when you should," Neah muttered.

"I'm glad we can agree on something," Allen told him, matching his tone almost exactly, and they shared a smile, Allen's a little more hesitant than Neah's.

"What happened when you got here?" Al asked, and, when Allen looked at him quizzically, he clarified, "Any strange feelings, unusual events, I don't know, fucking _anything."_ He gave a small smirk. "Magic works in strange ways, or so I'm told."

"Seeing dead people is rather unusual," Allen informed him, keeping his face deadpan so that it seemed more like a joke than it was.

Al made a face at him.

"You aren't fucking helpful," Cross complained, adjusting so he had the laziest-looking posture possible without falling out of the tree. And then, "I'm examining the door when you leave. No excuses."

Allen shrugged bemusedly. "If you want to."

"We want to," Al assured him.

"They're very dedicated," Mana offered, smiling in amusement. "Except when they're drunk."

"Ex-fucking-scuse you, I hardly ever drink," Al objected. "Bookman doesn't allow it."

"I was talking about Cross," Mana explained, and then, to Cross, "I got in trouble for that, by the way."

Cross laughed at him, but Allen couldn't help but notice that Neah was frowning again. He glanced at Maria, who shrugged silently.

"I can't help but wonder," Maria remarked at last, "what Mana was like as a father."

That was enough to turn their attention back to Allen, who didn't bother hiding his wistful look.

No matter how disastrously things had ended, no matter what Mana had turned out to be, those few years would always be precious in Allen's mind. Even if they hadn't been entirely real.

"I'm not going to lie and say he suddenly became responsible," Allen started, smiling at the laughter this brought forth, especially with Mana's put-out look, "but he was very caring. He taught me a lot-" How to be civil, how to be around people, to make them like you- among other things. "-and he was very determined to make sure I had fun." Which he had found so _frustrating_ at the time. Who had time for fun when there was work to be done? "And... he never left me behind." Not once in three years of constant travel.

When he glanced back up, he found Mana staring at him, with slightly wide eyes and a clearly startled expression. Allen blinked, concerned, but before he could ask, Al cleared his throat. He looked down, and the man looked almost uncomfortable.

"What about Cross?" Al asked. "You said you spent a lot of time with him, too. How's he gonna change in the next thirty or so years?"

Allen rolled his eyes, and Cross made an indignant sound.

"I'm not _that_ bad!"

"You're _worse,"_ Allen informed him tartly, and again there was laughter. "But in all honesty, I'm not really sure what happened between now and when I knew him. Master is an asshole and he never tells me anything." He kept his tone idle and the smirk off his face, and Cross didn't disappoint.

"I'm _right here!"_ Cross scowled at him indignantly.

"That sounds like him," Maria commented with a small smile.

"Goddammit!" Cross scowled. "I hate all of you."

"Does that mean I don't have to share my data with you?" Al asked.

"If you don't, I will _murder you."_

"It might be worth it," Al mused, and smirked at him when he made a frustrated sound. "Don't get your knickers in a twist, I don't hide fucking _anything_ from you, when have I ever?"

"When Bookman tells you to?" Mana suggested.

"That's different, you asshole," Al muttered. "Speaking of data, I want to see that Innocence of yours, Allen."

Allen's smile faltered, but he was fairly certain that Al was the only one who noticed, given the return of the sharp look.

"I'd rather not," he said politely, and Neah sat up and frowned.

"What? Is it about how it looks? It's not that weird."

 _Tell that to… everyone on the bad side of London._ "I'm not comfortable with it," Allen demurred, keeping a small smile on his face. Al's eyes narrowed slightly, and Allen didn't look at him.

"You can't dangle data like that in front of us and then take it away," Cross complained. "At least _activate_ it or some shit."

"Ah." He glanced at Neah and Mana, wondering if they would be comfortable with it, given-

Well. Allen himself wasn't overly enthused by the idea.

But Mana was nodding, and Neah shrugged.

"I've never seen an active Innocence up close before," Neah commented, and he slipped off the tree to hit the ground - too far a drop for an ordinary human, Allen noted, but it didn't seem to bother Neah at all.

Allen's brow furrowed with concern. "Are you sure it's okay?" he asked warily.

Mana dropped down after his brother and smiled at Allen reassuringly. "It's okay, Allen," he assured him. "I trust you."

Allen felt himself relax, an unrestrained smile appearing on his face.

It meant a lot for Mana to say that, though Allen wouldn't tell him so - it wasn't hard to tell how uncomfortable Mana was with Allen showing too much affection. At the same time, Allen promised himself that he would not betray that trust. Not here.

Then he remembered that it didn't matter anyway, since he was leaving soon, and turned to climb down the tree, hiding his expression.

 _"Fuck_ yes!" Cross crowed unashamedly, distracting Allen enough to make him smile a little. The older man climbed down after him, kicking at his head impatiently when he proved too slow.

"Oh, now look what you've done," Maria complained, amusement clear in her voice. "I don't think either of them have ever seen an Innocence before, so brace yourself."

Allen chuckled quietly, hopping off and moving slightly away to make room. "You know, both you and Cross eventually became accommodators," he said conversationally. Then, ruefully, "But I don't know what the circumstances were, so that may not happen here."

"Are the circumstances important, then?" Al asked, scooting closer as Allen sat down. Cross sat by Al, making impatient noises.

"Very," Allen assured him. He glanced at the twins again, making sure they were really fine with this, and when they just looked back with expectation and curiosity in equal parts, he looked down and took his glove off. Quick as a flash, he closed his eyes and, with a flex of his will, activated.

He was glad, then, that his eyes were closed - a wave of dizziness crashed over him, and he bit his cheek while he waited for it to subside, feeling Crown Clown curl snugly over his shoulders.

"Wow," Mana breathed, and Neah made an appreciative noise as well.

"That's some claw," Maria commented, and Allen opened his eyes.

Maria was sitting across from him, peering curiously at his left arm, while Mana and Neah knelt on either side of her, like slightly flawed mirror images of each other. Al was right on Allen's left side, and Cross was between Al and Maria.

It made for a rather lopsided picture.

Allen smiled uncomfortably - though it for some reason bothered him less when his left arm was examined in its weapon form than in its ordinary one, he still disliked the intense scrutiny.

Al glanced up at him, eyes bright and curious behind his glasses, and then waved his hand vaguely. Allen blinked at him in confusion, but Urcanpy took off from the branch

"Record mode, Ur," Al instructed distractedly. "Fuck, but this is something else." He smiled a little, anticipation in every line of his expression. "What's your synchro level?"

"One hundred seventeen, last I checked," Allen answered, almost on automatic, silver eyes tracking Urcanpy as he fluttered close, apparently to get a closer look. He almost forgot to be surprised that Al apparently knew what synchro was.

Al whistled. "Damn."

"Mind clarifying?" Neah asked archly.

"He could probably tear apart a building if he tried," Al answered, and he reached for Allen's arm. "I'm gonna do a scan, understand?"

Allen shifted away and glanced up at Timcanpy, who was still on the branch, while Neah, Mana, and Maria looked surprised. Timcanpy took off, and Allen looked back at Al, who was frowning at him.

"I'd prefer if M- if Cross did it," Allen explained, offering a small smile to dull the blow of mistrust.

Al blinked, looking a little surprised, and then huffed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Fine! Cross, you better do it right, goddamn it. We're not going to get a chance like this again."

"Yeah, yeah," Cross muttered, and they switched places. At the same time, Timcanpy appeared and rammed into Neah's face, making him yelp.

"Tim! What was that for?" He gave the golem an injured look.

"Gah!" Tim said, and rammed his face again.

"Argh!" Neah fell on his butt. Allen stifled a laugh.

Cross smirked at Neah, and then muttered a spell, with his hand hovering over Allen's arm. Allen glanced back down as an almost feverish warmth spread through his body, and Cross started muttering things to Al and Urcanpy, none of which Allen understood. Al seemed to, though, so Allen ignored them and looked back at the others.

Timcanpy had successfully ushered them far enough away that Allen no longer felt like a particularly interesting exhibit, and was now resting contently (smugly) on Neah's head, while the Noah went cross-eyed trying to scowl at him disapprovingly.

Mana and Maria, Allen noted, were both just laughing at him. Allen smiled slightly.

"What's this, then?"

Allen started slightly and looked back at Al, who was peering intently at… his face. Allen reached up, feeling his fingers brush over his scar.

"This?" he asked, letting none of his apprehension appear in his tone.

"Yes, that," Al confirmed, sounding a little amused. "The big-ass bloodred scar on your goddamn _face._ That." He tilted his head slightly, eyes narrowing. "Looks like a curse scar."

"It is," Allen confirmed. "Eight years old now."

Off to the side, Neah looked over sharply, distracted from Timcanpy, and Allen hid a wince. Of course, Neah had made the (obvious) connection.

Al started to reach forward, clearly fascinated, and then, apparently remembering Allen's reaction to him trying to examine his arm, withdrew it. "Mind if I scan it?"

Allen bit his cheek. "Ah…"

"Al doesn't bite," Maria assured him. "Well, unless your name is Cross. Or Neah."

"Very reassuring, thanks," Al sniped.

Allen huffed out a quiet chuckle, the corner of his mouth turning up. "I suppose," he decided at last. Timcanpy took off with a 'grah' and landed on Allen's head, which made Allen feel a little better, given that Timcanpy had recently developed a habit of biting anyone he felt was upsetting Allen.

Allen closed his eyes. A moment later, he felt Al's fingers, surprisingly gentle given his slightly rough demeanor, brush his cheek, and the same warmth that currently covered his arm heated his face.

Allen blew out a long, slow breath.

"How did you get Timcanpy, by the way?" Maria asked suddenly.

A short moment of silence.

"Why didn't I ask that earlier?" Neah muttered.

Allen smiled slightly, but it faded quickly. "Neah passed Tim to Master when he died," Allen explained, taking the opportunity to keep his mind off the two people who he was abruptly aware were _way too close._ "And Master passed him to me when _he_ died."

Short pause.

"It's weird to hear anyone address Cross respectfully," Mana said decisively, voice holding the distinctive slight strain that he'd taken up when Allen mentioned a death. Or their relationship.

"Kind of like hearing an opera singer in a pub," Maria agreed.

"Hey," Cross complained without heat, most of his focus still on the scan.

"Respect is not usually part of it," Allen explained, hiding a smile.

"Brat," Cross muttered, and Allen wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

Allen noted that the fever heat had spread past his arm to take residence in his chest, and come to think of it, there was as much warmth in his neck as his face. And he felt dizzy again.

"Are you done?" he asked.

"Oh… yes," Al said sheepishly, taking his hand away. Cross did the same a moment later, and Allen took a deep breath, weathering another, stronger wave of dizziness, and when it faded, abruptly realized that his Innocence was no longer activated.

"All right, Allen?" Neah asked, concern clearly audible.

"I'm fine," Allen promised with a smile. _Just need to eat a little more._ Yay.

He scooted away and made himself relax, smiling at them.

"We have a little while before we need to go back," he pointed out.

"Welll…" Neah started, drawing out the word slightly. "Have you ever met the Bookman in your world, Allen?"

"What are they like here?" Allen countered.

Allen could work with a Q&A. There were certainly worse ways to spend his last few hours here.

Though he might have to bring up his trouble maintaining activation with someone when he got back to the others. That was worrying, whether he still needed it or not.

* * *

 **I'm having trouble, as stated above, with Mana and Maria, so sorry if they're a little dialogue-deficient. *shrug* Also, apparently these guys talk a _lot._ *wrinkles nose at all of them* Anyway, thanks for reading, and please review!**

 **Oh, and also - given that I've now graduated and no longer have to get up at six in the morning, the standard update time is going to be moved forward three hours. Just letting you know. *smile***


	10. Rebound

**A/N: Hey! *wave* Sorry about missing last week - I got in late [from the airport] the night before, and then my schedule's intensive enough that once I have a one-day-late chapter, it's... kinda hard to recover. *snort and grin* Anyway, here it is.**

 **Thank you to bibliophile030, giselleavellaneda09, Ryuakilover, AngelHeartsX, Kittenanimegirl13, cursedchild14, Darke13, viny, Jazebeth, Shadow Spears, Candy Crackpot, InsanityOwl, Amelia Loves Anime, MsMusicLover, Stuck in my mind, LuffyLover27, newby6320, Lol, and guest for reviewing!**

 **Title: Learning to Breathe**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Family/Hurt/Comfort**

 **Warnings: AU, literally. Non-canon ending.**

 **Summary: Allen isn't coping well with the end of the Holy War and the loss of his friends. Neah is frustrated with his brother's carelessness. Their Arks bring them together, and Allen goes into a world where the Holy War doesn't exist and Mana's family - his family - is still alive.**

 **Disclaimer: Like hell I own D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"Just for a little longer," wheedled Neah, grinning at Allen with a sparkle in his eye that belied his whiney tone. "Come on, Allen. Mum loves you, Mana thinks you're a blast, Maria likes your stories, and Al and Cross haven't done half of what they want to."

They'd started to head back to the manor by now, with Neah and Allen taking up the middle of the group-in-motion. Mana and Cross took the lead, and Maria and Al were in back, with Al murmuring quietly to Urcanpy, seemingly not watching where he was going; Maria had taken over the responsibility of keeping him from falling when he inevitably tripped (usually with at least one accompanying curse).

"That's not encouraging," Allen informed Neah, a small smile playing about his lips and Timcanpy resting on his head, and Neah's grin broadened a little, twisting into a bit of a smirk.

"Well, maybe not," he allowed cheerfully. "But the point stands. We'd _love_ to have you a little longer, Allen, are you sure you can't stay?"

"Grah!" Tim said, tail waving. Allen couldn't tell whether he agreed or objected.

Before Allen could answer, Mana, dropping in on his other side, added in,

"I'd like you to be here a little longer, too." When Allen turned his head to look at him, Mana's smile was friendly, eyes maybe not as excited as Neah's but just as bright. "We haven't had much time to meet you at all."

Allen let his smile soften, eyes on Mana's. "I know. And I'd like to stay a little longer, too, really." _That's why I can't stay,_ he didn't add. He almost felt that if he stayed here too long, he wouldn't be able to leave. Or to avoid doing something wrong again. On his head, Timcanpy seemed to wilt, tail dropping.

"Then do it, you ass," Cross griped, a few steps ahead, turned around and walked backward, with a smirk on his lips. "You're welcome, you're willing, _why the fuck are you leaving?"_

Allen made a face at him.

"God knows Cross has enough experience overstaying his welcome," Maria contributed, "so I'm sure Katerina would be gratified to have a welcome guest for once."

"I am a _goddamn delight,"_ Cross informed her tartly, and Maria didn't even grace him with an answering glance. Cross scowled.

Allen chuckled softly, reaching up to rub the back of his head sheepishly, and he was about to answer, except just then, his attention was caught by an approaching figure, with a tall silhouette and a fast, long stride. He tilted his head slightly, surprised, and Mana followed his gaze curiously, and then smiled.

"Dad!" he called out, raising his hand to wave. Timcanpy started, and then took off, soaring into orbit a few feet above them.

Adam, Allen noted with concern, was not smiling; this became clearer as he approached, and soon, Mana's smile faded, too.

"Dad?" he repeated when Adam was in earshot, followed immediately by,

"Is something wrong?" courtesy of Neah.

Adam's jaw was clenched tight, his eyes stormy and his brow furrowed, his hand tight around the handle of an umbrella Allen recognized as Lero, though he was quiet at the moment, seemingly cowed.

His gaze swept over them, and even Al was looking up now, frowning at the man's odd behavior. After a moment, Adam relaxed, if only slightly.

It took another moment after that before Allen realized that Adam had been checking to see if anyone was hurt, and he dropped his gaze, studying the grassy ground between them, biting back an apology. Adam shouldn't have to worry about the safety of his family, not in his own backyard.

"Mana, Neah, unwanted company," Adam greeted, voice only slightly strained. The snort Cross offered at this indicated that it was a common greeting; it was almost enough to let Allen dredge up a smile. "Everything alright?"

Neah tilted his head, a frown on his face as he studied his father. "Yeah," he said slowly, after a long moment. "Everything's fine. We were just heading back."

Adam nodded, half distracted, and Neah's frown deepened slightly.

"I felt th- your friend activate," he said at last, and Neah's eyes brightened in recognition. "I was concerned."

"Allen wouldn't have hurt us," Mana dismissed, smiling at Adam in a way that clearly showed how silly he thought Adam was being. (Mana had never had a real firm grasp of reality, apparently.) Allen bit back a sad smile at Mana's faith, but his stomach clenched with discomfort.

"We asked him to demonstrate," Al added, stepping forward so he was just behind Allen, peeking over his shoulder, reaching up to push his glasses up to bridge of his nose. "You set a goddamn accommodator in front of me and expect to fucking _ignore_ it? Come on, Adam, use your dusty fucking brain."

"Who the fuck knows when we'll get a chance like this again," Cross agreed, but he was frowning at Adam, too, suspicious and discerning.

Adam seemed to consider that for a moment, and Allen lifted his gaze back to him in time to catch a flash of calculation. Then it was replaced by a smile, as plastic as any Allen ever saw in the mirror.

Which was to say, completely fake, but almost perfectly indistinguishable from the real thing.

"Of course, I should have known," Adam demurred, and though Neah's frown deepened, and Al's brow furrowed, almost everyone else seemed entirely fooled. Cross smirked, Maria smiled a little herself, and Mana grinned. Adam continued, "I'm curious myself, actually; it's been some time since I've seen an Innocence, and every Innocence is unique, isn't it, Allen?"

Allen nodded cautiously, locking his hands behind his back, out of sight. He didn't like that look in Adam's eyes. It made his heart beat quicker, no matter how irrational that was. (Adam wouldn't hurt him while Mana and Neah still cared what happened to him. It was just hard to remember that.)

"What is yours like?"

Allen curled his left hand into a loose fist, but it was Mana who answered for him, bursting with excitement.

"It was _amazing,_ Dad, you should have seen it. He had claws. _Massive_ claws." Mana's eyes were bright with the enthusiasm of a little boy who had never seen violence first-hand, and Allen couldn't even begin to decide how that made him feel. "Just on his left arm, though."

"He had a cloak, too," Maria added, and Mana nodded. "Rather large, bright white."

"Bulletproof, too, I'm guessing," Al put in, glancing questioningly at Allen, who offered a small, habitual smile in return and nodded.

"And his synchro's a hundred and seventeen!" Mana added, with no regard for the fact that he had very little idea of what that meant. Allen stifled a smile. "Al says it's enough to take down a building."

Allen returned his gaze to Adam, and any urge to smile faded. Adam's gaze was sharper than ever, and deeply unforgiving.

Allen had faced the shadow of Adam in his previous world, and the horrible amalgamation of Neah, Mana, and Adam that was the Earl, but neither of those had had Adam's clear intelligence, or his focus. Allen suppressed a shiver and smiled.

"Really," Adam said quietly, and then he smiled, too. Allen's fist clenched, and he took a deep breath, forcing down an uncalled-for bolt of adrenaline. "Would you boys mind if I borrowed Allen for a moment? I'll bring him back to the house when we're done."

Mana looked curious, and Neah was still frowning at Adam, but both of them shrugged, and Adam waited no longer before taking Allen's arm (a move that made Allen go rigid) and moving away, while the others redistributed themselves for the remaining distance to the house. Timcanpy made a false move toward Allen before Allen waved him off – it would probably be better to do this alone.

Adam took Allen away, to a different side of the house – presumably, Allen judged, trying at once to pull away and to desperately pretend not to want to, to take him out of sight.

Sure enough, as soon as they rounded the corner, Adam let go, and Allen let himself drift a ways back, tilting his head back slightly to meet Adam's gaze.

Allen managed a smile, uncomfortable and uneasy though it was. "What did you want to speak to me about, sir?" he asked politely, trying to will his own tension away.

Adam wouldn't hurt him while Mana and Neah still cared enough to get upset about it. Allen was much more likely to hurt Adam than Adam was to hurt Allen, no matter how threatening Allen found his presence.

It wasn't as reassuring as Allen wished it was. Adam's gold eyes were… not friendly.

"Katerina told me what happened," Adam said at last, gaze intense.

It took Allen a moment to discern what Adam meant. Then the color drained from his face, and he dropped his gaze from Adam's, shoulders tensing. He bit back an apology, raised his eyes back to Adam's, and held them there.

"That was there. I know you're not the same here." Not in the least.

"No," Adam agreed, without actually giving way in the least, from the steely look in his eyes. "However, I take the safety of my family very seriously, you understand."

Allen could understand. Very well, in fact.

"And while my sons may not understand what it means to have a synchro rate," Adam continued, eyes becoming, if possible, even harder. "I have seen Innocence in action, and the last time I met someone with a synchro rate as high as yours, they killed half my Noah before I took them down."

Yes, that was kind of the idea.

"I understand," Allen said softly. It might help Adam to know that Allen was having trouble with his Innocence at the moment, but then again, he might not believe him. "My Innocence is too strong to be safe, I understand." He gave a small smile. "It's good, then, that I won't be here much longer."

Adam scrutinized him for a moment, and then, at last, asked, "How long did it take your people to destroy all of my Noah?"

Allen hesitated, and let his head dip again. "About two years," he said at last. He swallowed. "There were thirteen of us when it began." At least, when they actually started killing Noah.

"Thirteen," Adam echoed, voice a little deeper, and Allen wasn't sure what that meant but knew he didn't like it. And then, startling Allen, "Katerina tells me you don't like Neah. Specifically."

Allen half-flinched before he could stop himself, shifted his gaze to Adam's again, considered briefly, and then said quietly, "After Neah died, he tried to reincarnate into me."

Adam's gaze sharpened. "And yet you're still here."

Allen nodded and felt a lump in his throat.

Adam studied him for a moment, and then exhaled harshly. "You're leaving," he said.

"Yes," Allen confirmed, a little confused.

"Now," Adam clarified, eyes turning to golden steel again. "I don't trust you around my family." Quieter, "My family may like you, but they don't know Innocence."

Allen thought about objecting, thought better of it, offered a small, weary smile, and nodded.

"Okay," he agreed softly.

* * *

The return to the manor was as tense and awkward as Allen would have expected. He kept his gaze down, and Adam strode just behind him. Allen suspected that Adam wanted to keep an eye on him and was more stung by his distrust than he probably should have been.

Inside, Katerina had reappeared, and Maria had gotten Al to stop chattering to his golem, while Neah and Cross were engaged in a heated argument and Mana laughed at both of them. Timcanpy, circling restlessly overhead, noticed them almost instantly and soared over to return to his rightful place on Allen's head.

Adam cleared his throat, gaining their attention, and Allen held a small, apologetic smile on his face, hiding his surprise. Apparently Adam really had meant _now._

Sure enough, Adam announced, somewhat abruptly,

"I'm afraid Allen has to leave now."

Katerina's gaze sharpened, focusing on Adam, who held it, jaw set with tension. After a moment, Katerina sighed, looking sad but not entirely surprised.

Neah, by contrast, looked almost outraged. "What? Allen, we asked you to stay longer, not leave early!"

Mana looked concerned as well, and Maria was glancing between Allen and Adam in a way that indicated no small amount of suspicion.

"I'm sorry," Allen apologized, keeping his slight smile. "I promised Krory that I'd be back soon, when I left before I came here. He must be going crazy by now."

"Gah!" Timcanpy agreed.

"Will you be coming back?" Mana asked, intent and curious. Allen shrugged, choosing not to turn Adam in for the man's suspicion – Allen wouldn't be _welcome_ back.

Al was also studying both of them, reaching up to adjust his glasses.

"Well, fuck," Al said at last, but then he let himself smile slightly. "Well, I suppose good things don't last long."

Allen had to agree.

"Now," Katerina echoed quietly, eyes on her husband. Soon enough, though, she looked back at Allen and smiled kindly. "Alright, then. I suppose you're right, you wouldn't want to worry your friends too much."

See, Katerina understood. Allen smiled and nodded, and Neah heaved a put-upon sigh.

"Fine!" he huffed. "Back to the Ark it is."

Allen firmly ignored the looks he got – suspicious from Cross, concerned from Mana, outright worried from Neah and Katerina – on the way back to the Ark. It didn't matter. This had been nice – beyond nice – but he needed to go back.

This wasn't his place.

They didn't go into Neah's piano room, which surprised Allen slightly – without plans to sabotage, Neah shouldn't need a secret room. Then again, Allen supposed it _was_ nice to have a place no one else could reach.

He ignored Adam's sharp gaze as Neah called up another piano, and both of them, right across from each other like a mirror, went to their places, positioned to begin. Tim landed on the piano in front of Allen and stayed there, though he didn't open his mouth to display the score – Allen didn't need it anymore, and maybe never had.

"Ready?" Neah asked, with an interested look and a bright smile. Allen smiled back.

"Ready," he echoed.

Then, at the same time – something Allen consciously chose not to find unsettling – they started to play. The music wound together, harmonious in a way that spoke of a deeper relationship than they really had, and called on the Ark to do both their bidding.

They played, willed the door into existence, and waited.

They had reached the end of the song before Allen realized what felt wrong.

He looked up, and then around, and, finally, met Neah's gaze, as startled as his was.

Because the door hadn't appeared.

* * *

 **Whoops. *cheerful smile* By the way, I'll probably keep to this week schedule (meaning next week will be skipped, and the week after will have the update, rather than returning to the previous schedule). It works better with the other alternate week stories. (As in, the more intensive story is now the one farther from this one.) Anyway, thanks for reading, and please review!**

 **Additionally - D. Gray-man: Hallow's first episode has been released! I'm reliably informed that it's available on Kissanime and a site called dgrayman dot tv, and the14thscion on Tumblr is doing livestreams of the episodes as they come out. *smile***

 **Edit: I fricken forgot Tim.**


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